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As It Was by Harry Styles

Since Paige and Hads are down greeting their guests who arrived this morning, I’ve taken this morning as an opportunity to apply to some jobs and even read a little bit. It’s been an absolutely overwhelming few days, but I’m still grateful I can find these moments to unwind.

Not only have Claire and Jacks finally arrived—Grant has been talking about them nonstop—but so have Nick and Noah, Oliver’s only two other friends on the planet.

I didn't know they all still talked and kept up with one another, but if I couldn't even keep up with my best friends' lives, then I definitely wasn't going to check up on Oliver’s.

Paige and Oliver have kept this wedding small, the only people coming to it being those who truly matter to them, and I’m still honored to fit that bill.

Still, I can’t help but feel like an outsider.

I know I apologized and everything, but the disconnect is still present, and I doubt it will be going away anytime soon.

Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if I never met you.

That one sentence infiltrates my thoughts again and again, because everything he said was right. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know me. I wish I could undo every mistake, bad move, and dumb thing I’ve ever done, but life doesn't work that way.

I cannot believe I yelled at Henry in the parking lot. I can’t believe I got in his face and made a fucking fool of myself in public. It was impulsive and stupid and I was clearly off my medication. If I wasn't, I would have at least thought about the repercussions.

I have to apologize. It was the wrong way to go about all of this, and I regret not only that Henry saw me like that, but that Ella and Leo had to witness it as well.

The entire conversation has been replaying in my mind on a loop. I remember every single thing about the way he looked at me, the number of droplets on his glasses, the feel of his hand when I gave him the necklace back.

And since the end of our conversation felt how it did, I can only assume it was the end.

No longer are Henry and I intertwined as we were.

When he dropped my hand in that lot, it’s like he severed the tie we had with one another, and no matter how shitty that makes me feel, I have to accept it.

I know he can’t look at me without seeing the girl he loved in college, and I can’t look at him without seeing the boy whose heart I ripped to shreds.

The only love I’ve ever felt was from him, and I don’t know if it feels this horrible when other people fall in love, but Henry and I almost felt cosmic, as if some greater power was at work when we first met .

I reach for my necklace, suddenly feeling anxious, only to remember I gave it back to him. I couldn't have kept it anymore, and maybe it was never really mine to begin with.

A Few Hours Later

“What color are you going to get?” Hads asks me as I flip through the color selection.

All of us girls—the book club, Claire, and Sadie—are getting our nails done before the rehearsal dinner tonight.

Paige thought we all deserved some girl time while the guys got settled, and I’m excited to have my nails done again.

I usually just do my own, but when I was over in England, I really dropped the ball on self-care. Not only was I falling apart on the inside, but I feel like people could tell on the outside too.

“I’m thinking of a soft blue,” I say as I bring the book closer to her. “I can't decide between these two.”

“I like the one on the left.” Ella pokes her head over, already having chosen a red that looks stunning. Paige is getting French tips, but with lavender instead of white so she matches her bouquet.

“Sold,” I say as the technicians all lead us to our spots. Hads, Paige, and Sadie are behind where Ella, Claire and I sit, and I try to fully relax myself as I hold my hands in front of me.

“So, Claire,” Hads says from behind us. “How has photographing the Appalachian Avalanche been?”

“It’s the best job ever, honestly.” She smiles next to me. “Thankfully, I’m only ever doing home games, so I don’t have to travel as much, but it is insanely fun.”

“That’s really cool, Claire,” Paige smiles at her. “Has Hads shown you some of the pictures she took for our engagement pictures? The first time I saw them, I cried.”

“I saw them on social media.” Claire smirks. “I keep telling Hads to start a side business, but she won’t listen to me or Grant.”

“Maybe if we all bug her, she’ll do it,” Ella says.

“So, Sadie, what do you do?” I ask, trying to get us all involved in the conversation.

“I work for a hospital.” I can feel her smile from behind me.

“That’s putting it lightly,” Paige says. “She’s a registered nurse for the biggest hospital back home.”

“Oh, wow,” I say, forgetting she was on the path I once was in college. “Good for you.”

“Thanks, Amelia. And I hear you live in England, right?”

My throat dries up as soon as she says that. “Mhm.”

“That’s really cool. And you work for National Geographic?”

“Yup.”

“Do you, by chance, know of any good travel spots on the west coast? I’m looking to go somewhere this summer, and I want it to be warm, but I don’t really know where to start.”

I don’t know why I assumed she was going to yell at me on behalf of Paige or something, but her question reminds me not everyone is going to be against me. “I can put a packet together for you after the wedding, if that works?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“I told her to go to that one haunted museum in Vegas, but she wasn't interested,” Paige says.

“Babe, not everyone is ecstatic about terrifying things like you are,” Ella jokes, and the rest of us laugh. “You are the only person I know who willingly watches horror shit by herself just to feel something. ”

“She’s been that way since she was a teenager,” Sadie says.

“And I am not a horror girl, but she always begged me to watch them with her. The only times I ever agreed were on Halloween. Do you remember that one time we watched that freaky movie and were convinced the thing from the movie was hiding in my closet?”

Paige immediately starts laughing, the memory crawling back into her head.

“That was hilarious,” she says through her grin. “I’ve rewatched that one a few times since, and it’s actually pretty good.”

“You are insane,” Hads says. “I’m with you, Sadie. I am not a horror girl at all.”

“Well, that’s why I love you guys,” Paige says. “You may not like those movies, but you’ve all watched them with me. True friendship is being scared together, and you all put yourselves in front of the screen with me.”

“And we’re all glad we get to be here to celebrate love this weekend,” Ella says. “This is going to be the best wedding ever.”

“It will be,” Paige says, but I can tell by her tone, something is off.

“Your mom will show up,” Hads says to her. “Maybe her phone is just on airplane mode.”

“You’re right,” she says. “It’ll be fine.”

For the rest of the appointment, the six of us girls trade stories and laugh before the rehearsal dinner. Since I’m not in the wedding party, I have another few hours to myself.

I’m either going to go crazy or I’ll actually pick my book up. I hope for the latter as I dive into bed, needing to rest my brain before I see Henry again and decide if it’s worth it to apologize to him or to just leave us where we belong—in the past.