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Then — Finals Week of Spring Semester

So Real by Jeff Buckley

I let myself into Henry’s apartment because I know he’s not back yet. His mom bought a new washer and dryer over the weekend, and Henry offered to help install them, since he didn't want his dad to do all the heavy lifting.

I’m over here earlier than I planned, but I wanted to get his place ready for the small surprise I got him.

Honestly, it’s not a big deal, but I went book shopping with the girls over the weekend, and while I was there, I bought Henry this series he’s been eyeing for a few weeks.

He keeps mentioning it, but he never bought them because of how busy school has been keeping him.

Senior year has not been easy, and with finals week in full swing, I wanted to do something nice for him. I have the books, his favorite snacks, and even a new writing notebook tucked into this small basket. He told me his last one was almost full, so I figured he needed a new one.

It’s been hard for us to see one another with how much studying and shit we’ve had going on, so dinner and a movie on this slow Sunday is my idea of a perfect night.

Sure, we sleep in the same bed most nights, but I miss having actual conversion with him, even when we barely speak. Some nights, we study together, but lately, we’ve only seen one another before we sleep, and I hate it.

I never thought I would crave someone's presence as much as I do his, but I do. Henry and his quiet love are all I need when life feels too overwhelming, and with graduation looming, everything has felt too open-ended for my liking.

For once, I have no plan. My job applications have come back with nothing so far, and I worry about the future if I can't find something. My internship supervisor, Kacey, apparently put some feelers out for me after I compiled my portfolio, but she hasn't updated me in a few days. I’m starting to get worried about what my life will look like if I can’t even get a job right out of college.

All the success I crave will be gone. I’ll be a failure before I’ve even had a chance to start, and my parents will have been right.

Wanting to banish those thoughts, I place some confetti around the basket on the counter, and eventually, I wander over to the bookshelves in his living room.

My fingers trace the spines of the books he has on display; I know this is just a small collection of his books he brought with him. I’m sure he’ll bring a few back from his house like he always does when he visits.

I grab a copy of his favorite book, noting the scribbles in the margins.

I love that I’ve found someone who doesn't mind writing in books. Some people are very particular about that, but I’ve always loved to doodle my favorite lines and paragraphs.

Plus, I bought them, so I can doodle to my heart's desire.

I’m not sure what time he told me he’d be back, so I put the book back, opting for another one I might start to read just to pass the time. As I do, something falls out of the spine.

That’s weird , I think to myself. Henry isn't a trinket kind of guy, at least not on the shelves out here. The ones in his room are a different story. Those are filled with figures of his favorite movie characters, including the ones I’ve bought him over the past few months.

I can’t find what dropped until a small, shiny glint catches my eye under his couch. As I reach for it and grasp it, I’m sure this isn't what it seems.

When I pull it out and open my hand, an engagement ring staring back at me from the palm of my hand, I freeze.

A small diamond sits in the center of a beautifully crafted vintage setting.

Is Henry going to propose after graduation? No. No, he can’t be doing that, can he? We’ve only known one another for a year. That’s way too soon to get engaged, let alone married .

We’re so young. We’re so young, and we have so much time. Is he really serious enough to want to lock me down this early into our relationship? I love Henry. Of course I love him, but I am in no way ready for this kind of commitment.

I thought we had talked about this? I thought he knew we were taking it slow and at our own pace? Not once has he brought up marriage or kids or the rest of our lives. He knows how I feel about thinking about that stuff.

I can’t do this. I’m not ready for this, and I won’t be the one to turn him down when he ultimately gets down on one knee. I can’t say yes to him, not right now. Maybe ten years in the future, but now? No way. I can’t break his heart when I say nothing to his proposal.

It’s not that I don’t want to marry him.

It’s that I didn't know he was so serious. I’m not ready for this level of commitment.

I have an entire life to kick-start after graduation, and as selfish as it may be, I want to be secure in that before I decide to get married.

I want to have a career and be successful and show my parents they were wrong.

I have all these things to do before I get married, and I won’t put them on hold.

What the fuck am I going to do?

This is too much. The ring stares back at me in the palm of my hand, but all I see when I look at it is a prison sentence.

So, I do what I know best—run. As I grab my phone from my purse on the counter, I notice a text from him, and I freeze, as if he can sense my thoughts spiraling all the way from his house.

Henry: I’ll be back soon. What should I pick up for dinner on my way back?

I can’t do this tonight. I can’t look him in the eye after what I found. God, I feel like I’m going to be sick or something.

Amelia: I’m actually not feeling too well. Rain check?

His reply is almost immediate.

Henry: Are you okay? Do you want me to drop something off at your place?

Amelia: No, it’s fine. Paige is taking care of me.

Henry: Oh, okay.

Henry: I’ll see you tomorrow? We can study together in the library after class.

I don’t bother answering him, because I’m already halfway out his door, trying to calm myself down and failing miserably.

I’m officially losing my mind, and as I speed back to my place, I turn my phone off, not wanting to deal with anybody or anything but my racing thoughts about the future and what it holds for the two of us.