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Then — Spring Semester in College

All I Know by asiris

“Here,” I say to Henry as I hand him one of my Bluetooth headphones.

Every week, Henry and I go grocery shopping together. We don’t live together, but we both grab food for our places since we’re over at one another's apartments more than we’re apart.

It’s been a weird adjustment, Henry being my boyfriend. I never thought someone would willingly be around me this much. Besides my friends, I figured a relationship like this was never going to find me just because of how I am.

Brash. Cold. Unnerving to most people. I run from my feelings more than I run toward anything, but Henry was the biggest surprise. I’m still not sure I deserve him, or if I ever will, but for now, I’m going to enjoy his company before he realizes I’m not the one for him.

Because I do. I enjoy being in his orbit. What used to be shopping alone every week with my headphones in so nobody would talk to me has turned into Henry and I sharing headphones and shopping together.

Each week, we trade who plays music. This week, it’s my turn, and I have a perfectly tailored playlist for tonight. I spent all day yesterday combing through my catalog to find the perfect mix.

Now, on this cold, rainy Sunday night, Henry and I are going to shop and listen to the same songs together. We always come late on the weekends, when it’s less crowded and calmer than having to maneuver around carts and annoyed people yelling at workers.

“Are you ready?”

I roll my eyes as I laugh. “Why are you making this sound like some sort of race?”

“You know what I mean, Mills. Are you going to press play?” He gets out of my car and shuffles around to my side, umbrella in hand as he opens my door for me.

A year ago, I would have gagged and thought love was gross.

Now, I love sharing an umbrella with someone, him holding it for me as I carry our tote bags and make sure the playlist plays in the correct order. As I grab a cart and he shakes out the umbrella, he meets my eyes and smiles at me.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, having that pointed at me and not someone else.

“Let’s go, Hen,” I say as he sets the umbrella in the cart and takes over steering it. I have the list on my phone for both of us, and most of our trips go the same way .

He steers the cart and practically follows me around the store. I grab everything off our list and place it in the cart, and neither of us says a word.

It’s perfect. It’s my idea of quality time. Just being able to exist in his presence is enough. Still, I do love it when he opens his mouth to talk about something he loves or to tell me about his day.

It’s weird. In a way, I’m still in the adjustment period. For once, I don’t want to run. My entire life, I’ve run from every emotion, every attachment formed with family or people who wanted to be my friend, only to give up when they realized how strange I am, how cold I am.

But with him, it’s different. College has been so different than I imagined it ever would be. Not only has Grand Mountain brought me the girls, but it’s brought me to him. Henry Hayes, lover of words and nerd stuff, who tilts his head when he gets nervous.

For once in my life, I have a lot to lose, and it’s terrifying to think about that. I know now more than ever that I don’t want to lose what I have around me. I can’t. If I do, I don’t know who I’ll become, and as soft, slow music flows through my ear, I feel it for the first time.

Love. I’m in love with Henry. I love him.

My first instinct is to shove the feeling down, but I block it out.

I let it settle in my mind, my heart, my bones.

Right in the middle of the fucking fruit section, I feel content.

I feel this is the exact place I’m supposed to be at this point in my life, and no matter what shit comes my way, I couldn't care less about it.

Because I have him, and for some reason, in every way that matters, I want to run to him instead of away.

Henry Hayes, this sweet, kind man in front of me, who doesn't mind my dry humor. He doesn't care about my resting bitch face and how unapproachable I always look. He shares music with me, and umbrellas, and he lets me read what he’s written sometimes, and I love him, but he doesn't know that yet .

I simply say nothing as he taps my leg with the cart, probably wondering why I’ve been staring at the pomegranates for so long, but he doesn't break our no talking rule.

I look over at him leaning over the cart, smiling at me with confusion written all over his face. I smile back at him, grabbing two pomegranates and setting them in the cart.

The rest of our shopping goes on without a hitch, and he puts the bags in the car as I hold the umbrella for him, walking him to and from the cart return so he doesn't get wet. The two of us get into my car, and I start it, wanting to get warm for a few seconds before I start to drive us back to campus. As I do, I feel Henry’s hand on my forearm.

“Mills?”

“What?” I don’t like the look on his face. Is he about to say something stupid? Leave it to me to find out I love this man, only for him to break up with me. “Is something wrong?”

He smiles, shaking his head as he reaches for my hand on the wheel, interlocking it with his. “No. I wanted to do our debrief about the playlist now, if that’s okay?”

Seeing him look at me, his eyes cast down behind his glasses, a soft smile on his face as I hear the rain tapping against the windows, the low light of the parking lot casting shadows across his features, I’m ruined.

His love is the only romantic feeling I’ve ever felt, and all I know now is, I don’t want to experience this from anyone else.

His love is all I want to know for however long I have it.

I’d hope for forever, but I can’t think too far ahead, or I’ll panic.

So just for now, for however long I’m able, I’m going to love this man in front of me.

“That’s okay, Hen,” I say as I squeeze his hand, placing our interlocked hands in my lap as I turn to face him from the driver's seat. “Was my playlist that good? ”

“It always is, Ames.” He smiles to himself again, and the weirdest feeling floats through my body as he keeps talking. “But this one felt different.”

“It did?”

He nods.

“Why is that?” I reach for my necklace, suddenly feeling nervous. I never touch it, though, because he grabs my other hand and stops my nervous tick.

“Well, I don’t know if you know this, but you speak through music. I think it’s something you’ve always done, and I wanted you to know it’s been an honor trying to decipher you through the songs we’ve shared. In fact, us meeting at a concert just confirms my theory.”

“And what theory is that?”

“Now, don’t throw up on me, but I think you and I were fated to meet, Mills. I think something out there knew our paths had to cross, and I am thankful for whatever cosmic force sent us together.”

My breath catches in my throat. “You are?”

“I am.” He squeezes both of my hands. “Because it’s been an honor being able to share music with you.

It’s been an honor to peek inside your thoughts through each song you choose to share with me.

You’ve changed the way I view music. You’re one of a kind, Amelia Ellis, and I’m grateful I broke down most of those walls while we were still just friends. ”

That earns an eye roll, but he simply laughs, as if he knew that was coming.

“I know you hate emotions and stuff like this, but… Shit, I don’t know how to even fucking say this.”

“You might just be the only writer on the planet who can’t find words to say something, Hen.” I lean closer to him, and all he does is tap his forehead to mine .

“I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason, Mills. I think meeting you was proof of that for me.”

“What does that mean?” I ask him, and suddenly, all I can focus on is the rain, his eyes, and the turning in my stomach.

“I love you.”

My breath catches in my throat as I digest three words I haven't heard in a long time from anyone other than my friends. I don’t think my parents haven't said them to me since I was small, and if they did, I don’t remember it.

“I know this could make you retreat from me, but I can’t spend another second of you not knowing.

I couldn't spend another second pretending like I’m not hopelessly in love with the way you view music, the way you touch the necklace I bought you because it brings you comfort.

I can’t keep pretending silently grocery shopping with you isn't my favorite part of the week because even though we’re not saying a word, we’re still saying so fucking much.

” He presses a small kiss to my forehead.

“And I can’t keep almost saying those words before you leave but getting worried it’s not the right time.

I love you, and I don’t want to spend another second without you knowing that. ”

Paige always tells us Henry and I have telepathic conversations when we’re in a room full of people, and I never knew what she meant. Yeah, I can tell what he means just from a look sometimes, but I think tonight might actually be the first real evidence of us communicating telepathically.

“If you end up running from me, just know I’ll be chasing you, Amelia, because I love you. I hope that’s something you realize you can’t outrun.”

I feel tears spring to my eyes as I look up at him, his eyes also gleaming in the middle of this parking lot in the rain.

“All I know is that I love you too, Hen, and believe me, I never want to outrun you, no matter how terrified my own feelings make me feel. ”

He jumps back, as if he wasn't expecting me to say that. “You love me?”

I nod.

“Say it again, Amelia.”

“I love you, Henry Hayes, and I realized it in the middle of the fruit section of the grocery store,” I say as a laugh bubbles out of me.

And then he starts laughing, and the two of us are lovesick idiots in the middle of a parked car, admitting we love one another after floating around for months and months.

“In the fruit section?” he giggles. “Why?”

“Who the hell knows?” I say as I laugh, leaning into his shoulder as his arms come around me. I still feel like my stomach is going to fall through my feet, but as his arms swallow me into his body, I realize this is what love feels like.

It’s warm, inviting, and a little terrifying.

“Don’t ever let me go,” I whisper to him.

“I won’t.”

Then he kisses me, and it feels different from all the ones we’ve shared. It feels new. This man sitting in my passenger seat loves me, and I love him. We’re just two idiots in love.

I’ve read hundreds of romance books, swearing on my life that the feelings described in them weren't real. But here in this car, I’m surrounded by the love Henry has for me, and there aren't enough words in any language to describe what it feels like to love him.

No longer are there thoughts in my head of being unlovable, because Henry has proven all of those to be wrong.

In fact, my head is quiet for the first time in a while, the only thoughts floating around of him.

As I put the car in drive, his hand in mine, both of us smiling like idiots, the playlist I made playing softly in the background, I want to freeze this moment forever.

Henry loves me, and I love him back.

I’m not running from that for once.