Page 31

Now

“Mistakes are human. They're as natural as death itself. To live a life is to live with mistakes.” — In A Room With Death , Henry Hayes

“Why are we here again?” I ask as we get out of the car at the golf course.

“I don’t even like golf,” Oliver says under his breath.

“Yeah, well, it’s been a weird week, and I figured we all need to whack balls with clubs. It’s a nice stress reliever.”

“Unless you’re bad at it,” Leo says, and I nod. I’m not the most athletic person on the planet. In high school, instead of being out on the field, I was in a classroom at the creative writing club.

My dad was always a huge football fan, but when I tried to play when I was a kid, I was far too lanky. The gear was always too big, and eventually, my mom was worried another kid was going to tackle me too hard and I’d be broken in half, so they pulled me out after one season.

It’s safe to say, I have low expectations for this round of golf. Not only is Grant a former hockey player who plays golf regularly, but I’m sure Leo is good at it too. He just gives off an energy that he’s good at everything. Maybe it’s his ego, or he’s just built like an athlete.

Grant goes to get us all checked in, and the rest of us hang out by the first hole. He comes back a few moments later with two keys and a huge smile on his face.

“Are you guys ready for the best round of golf ever?”

Leo and Grant are in one cart, and Oliver is with me. I’m driving ours because Oliver won’t stop shaking. The last time I remember him doing that was when I brought him to the hospital after Paige got whacked back in college.

I wonder if he ever got over that fear, or if it’s just now manifesting in a different way.

“Are you okay over there? Any more shaking, and I’ll think you’re trying to tip this cart over,” I say as I slow down. Our balls aren’t too far apart because neither of us hit them very far. It’s only the first hole, and we’re off to a rocky start.

“I just want to be married already.”

“Don’t rush this, Oliver. Enjoy this time with your friends,” Grant says from his cart.

“I am, but this week is taking forever, and I’m tired of waiting. No offense to you guys, but if Paige and I could get married today, I’d drive this golf cart back to the hotel and do it now. ”

“Is this the beginning of some sort of wedding freak out for you?” Leo asks him, and Oliver shakes his head. “It’s fairly common, I’ve heard.”

“No, it’s not. I’m just impatient and worried about everything coming together perfectly for Paige.”

“It’ll be fine, Ol. Don’t you trust me and Hads to make this perfect for you two?” Grant asks as Oliver steps up to his ball, taking a swing. It lands just shy of the green. “Damn, that was pretty good.”

“I trust you guys, I swear. It’s all the things I can’t control that I worry about,” he says as he slides the club back into his bag. “I want this to be perfect for her. After all she’s been through, a smooth wedding and a lifetime of happiness are the least I could give her.”

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself,” I say as I step up to my ball. The three of them go silent, and I swing, feeling decent about that shot, only to have it land in the sand to the left of the green.

“Henry is right,” Leo agrees. “You’re only feeling so anxious because of the standards you’re projecting. Just let it be, and it will all work out.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Oliver says as we get back onto the cart. We head off for the green, and my head jumps back to the other night, when I kissed Amelia.

I wasn't thinking. Clearly, the drink I had was clouding my thoughts, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened. That’s the bad thing about being in Amelia’s orbit again.

I’m sucked back in just how I was in college, and I can't seem to let her go.

Here she is, back in my vicinity, clouding all my thoughts, just how she used to.

I sigh heavily, trying to force the girl out of my head but knowing it’s not going to work.

“Dude, are you good?” Oliver asks. I feel the breeze stop as the cart slows down.

“Not really. I did something stupid the other night, and I can’t stop thinking about what a dumbass I am.

” I park the cart and grab my wedge—I think that’s what Grant called it—before trotting over to my ball resting in the sand.

I have no idea how to go about this, so I’ll probably just smack it and hope for the best.

“What did you do?” Oliver asks me, and after a few hits trying to get my ball out of the sand, it pops up onto the green.

“I kissed Amelia.”

“What?” Grant practically shouts as Leo is about to swing, though he stops immediately.

“Well, that’s…insane,” Leo says. “And also not what I meant when I told you to figure out where to start. You skipped like a hundred steps, mate.”

“You kissed Amelia? And you didn't immediately melt? I don’t know how you do it, Hen. Really, I don't.” Oliver pats me on the back.

“You guys seriously kissed again?” Grant is smiling so wide right now, I feel like the Earth suddenly has two suns. “I need to know everything.”

“It was a mistake, a one-time thing, and I can't have it happen again.”

“Why not?” Grant asks me.

“Because we still haven't talked about what happened. We started to, and then I saw the necklace she was wearing, and I just…” I trail off, losing my entire train of thought. “Being around her has brought all these confusing feelings back, but they’re pointless to have. Amelia and I will never be anything again.”

“Do we need to lock you two in a room so you can sort your shit out or something?” Oliver asks, and Grant punches him in the arm. “What the fuck?”

“We’re not doing that,” Grant looks at me. “Unless you think that will help?”

I shake my head. “I doubt it. Amelia has always been good at avoiding her real feelings. I’m sure anything she tells me, there are about a thousand other things she’s not. And why would she want me back after what she did to us? ”

“I think this could just be a proximity thing. You guys are around one another again, and all those feelings are coming back,” Leo says. “Ella and I had the same kind of thing. We were just…always around one another, and it brought up a lot of confusing feelings on my end.”

“All I really want from her is answers. I want to know why she left, why she broke us up.” I run a hand through my hair, annoyed I let myself get so worked up over this situation.

Amelia always seems to seep into every crack and crevice in my body, and I don’t know how to stop her. I don’t know how to get her out.

It’s been years since she broke my heart, and not once have I forgotten about her. I thought I knew where we were headed back then. I thought I knew where our story was going, but then she took over, left, and I never bothered to finish it.

Not just because I couldn't, but maybe somewhere along the way, I knew our paths would cross again, on purpose or on accident.

“Good luck getting anything out of her,” Oliver says.

“She was pretty honest with me the other day,” Grant says.

“I talked to her on the beach, and I’ve never seen her so open before.

Hads said the same thing too. When Amelia talked to all the girls, they weren't just short, stupid talks. They were long, honest, and open about all the things that hurt while she was away. I’m pretty sure Ames and Paige talked for over an hour.

You can say a lot about Amelia now, but you can’t say she’s not trying. ”

The three of us take a minute to sit with that, and he is right. She is trying more than I’ve ever seen her. She told me she was going to wait until after the wedding to talk so as to not ruin Paige’s moment.

She was also the one to suggest a walk on the beach after I asked to speak. For once, she wasn't the one who ran away—I was. After I kissed her out of the blue, I left her on the beach with no explanation as to why I had kissed her.

“God, this sucks,” I say as I plop back into the golf cart .

“Yeah, it does, but nobody ever said love was easy,” Grant states as they join me.

“It definitely wasn't with me and Ella. We were practically biting each other’s heads off all the time.” Leo smirks.

“Hads let me in and then chased me away multiple times, but look at us now. We’re both thriving and loving life alongside one another.”

“Paige and I obviously had some bumps, but shit, I’m grateful we’re both still alive to see our wedding day.”

“So?” I ask, wondering what the point of all this is.

“So, you have to figure out who you want by your side for the highs, lows, and everything in between. It’s not going to just come to you.

Sure, it could be Amelia, but it could also be someone you haven't met yet,” Grant tells me.

“But if you want to work things out with Amelia, we’ll be here to talk it through with you if you’re confused. ”

“Thanks, guys.” I smile, feeling grateful I returned their messages to come to the wedding. “I hope that, even if I’m not a part of the boyfriends of book club anymore, we can all still find time to get together.”

“Of course we can, mate.” Leo pats me on the shoulder. “Now, can we finish this round and go have a pint to celebrate?”

And for the rest of the afternoon, I laugh and smile with these guys alongside me, even as I play the worst round of golf I’ve ever played.

Even though I did terribly, I still had fun.

Because when I’m around these people, I suddenly remember what it's like to be a part of something. I desperately want to hang on to these moments, because it could be the last time we’re all around one another like this before we all start truly living our lives with our families.

I hope I’m lucky enough to have these guys be part of mine someday, but I’m not sure if Amelia and I are meant to be. Maybe she was meant to be my first love in this universe and that’s it .

Maybe in another life, we somehow made it work, but I’m just not sure we can in this one.