Page 29

Then — College

How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) by James Taylor

As I throw my noise-cancelling headphones on and shuffle through my overflowing music library, I decide on my sixties playlist with some of my favorite bands.

I was going to go with a classic—my movie scores playlist—since I’m trying to make some headway on studying for this test, but my vibe tonight is more nostalgic.

I love Grand Mountain so much, and I love receiving a well-rounded education since I chose a liberal arts college, but sometimes, I wish I didn't have to learn about stuff that doesn't interest me. I’m all for learning about history, but this test being one hundred questions about the Mongols is making me tired, and I haven't even started yet .

Paige left the apartment a few minutes ago to go study at the library with Hads, Oliver, and Grant. Part of me wishes I went with them, but I need to get something done tonight. I love my friends, but sometimes, it is so hard to concentrate when we’re all together.

It takes me a half an hour to really get into my groove, and for the first time tonight, I actually think I can pass this test.

My playlist is about to switch to another song when I hear the door fly open. My headphones are great for cancelling out noise most of the time, but I assume Paige forgot something and is trying to mimic how I’ve entered the apartment a few times.

I turn around to face her, taking my headphones off my head, but when I spin around, my heart drops through my stomach. It’s not Paige. It’s not one of my friends. It’s a man, I think, wearing an all-black outfit and a ski mask.

I’m frozen where I stand, my heart beating out of my chest. My first instinct is to scream, but when I try to, no words come out.

Who the fuck just walked into my apartment? Is this some sort of sick joke or something?

“Oliver, if this is your idea of a prank, it’s not a very good one,” I say, my voice starting to shake as the very tall person stands in front of me. It almost looks like they’re sizing me up or something.

Is this a robbery? Am I being burglarized or something? Now, I wish Paige were here, because she would probably tell me how those are two different things and then go on an entire spiel about what was actually happening in this moment.

Something shifts in the person's hand, and when it shines towards me, my stomach drops.

It’s a knife—or worse, a gun.

I think they’re going to kill me.

I barely think before I reach for my phone where it lays on the couch, but as I move to do that, so do they.

The person rushes towards me as I try to get my bearings.

I’m grabbed from behind and thrown to my floor, my phone still in my hands.

Through the haze of pain, I try to send a text, but they grab my phone out of my hands and toss it somewhere.

“Get off me!” I scream, trying to get them to leave but knowing it’s no use.

They’re standing over me now, and I’m probably going to die. I’m going to die in the middle of my college apartment with nothing to show for my life. I didn't even get to start it yet, and it’s already going to be over.

Even worse, Paige is going to find my body when she gets back here. Then twice this semester, she’ll have walked in on someone dead, but this time, it will be me, and I don’t think I can handle watching her go through that after I’m gone.

“Please don’t,” I say, unsure if they can even understand me, but at least I can say I fought back, right?

I’m not finished here yet. I don’t want to be gone.

There’s going to be nothing to write on my tombstone because I haven't even achieved anything. My life has barely begun. All I’ve done is do what everyone else has told me to.

I’ve gone to school. I’m in college. My life has been fully at the hands of what I’m supposed to do.

Nothing I’ve done yet has been what I’ve wanted to do with no rules, no schedules to adhere to.

How long does it take to die? Minutes? Hours? Days? Seconds? I’ll never know.

As they stand over me, weapon raised in the air, I suddenly can’t think as something hits my head, and I’m out cold.

I wake up with a sting on my face, my eyes scanning the room, terrified I’m in Hell until I see I’m surrounded by my friends. Well, Oliver is here too.

They’re all talking, but I can barely register what’s going on. My body feels like it’s moving a thousand miles a minute. Somehow, I can tell my mouth is moving and words are coming out, but I can’t tell if anything I’m saying is making any sense.

Paige excuses the rest of them, and my head still really fucking hurts, but as I’m describing to her what I saw, it all clicks into place. Her room was ransacked. The person in here almost looked surprised to see me, didn't really know what to do with me.

This has something to do with Paige and Oliver’s investigation.

I’m sure of it. Those two psychos are the only people I know who would see a dead body on campus and decide to try and solve it.

I feel like it's a prerequisite to being a criminal justice student to be the slightest bit insane when a case literally drops into your lap.

Why else would this person have come into our apartment? We’re two college students living on campus. There’s no way this was some random person deciding to steal a bunch of shit from us.

Tears flood my eyes as I think about what I thought were my last moments on the planet before Paige’s voice comes through my mind.

“What can I do to help? Do you need anything? Just tell me what I can do, and I’ll do it.”

“Henry. I need Henry.” The words come out before I can stop them.

“Okay. I can call him. Where’s your phone?” I point her towards the couch where I think they threw it, and Paige excuses herself before Ella grabs me a glass of water. Hads throws a blanket over top of me, and even though I’m still shivering, the gesture is nice.

Oliver eventually stitches my head up, and I’m still floating through these conversations, feeling like I want to lay down forever. I know they’re probably not going to let me sleep in case I have a concussion, though.

I need Henry to get here. I need a tether or something to carry me through this.

That’s the one thing I knew I needed when Paige asked me.

Sure, I’m grateful for the people already around me, but Henry has always been the one person who brings me back to Earth.

His presence has always felt different to me.

I knew it when I first met him at that concert, and I knew it when I ran into him on campus after the fact.

He’s always been around, in our own weird way, and even though we’re not dating, I need him.

At this moment, I’m choosing to run toward him instead of keeping him at an arm's length. Suddenly, I regret not having been with him this entire time. I could have died tonight, and it’s hitting me that my biggest regret would have been not being loved by someone.

I would have died alone, physically and mentally, because I never allowed anyone to get close enough to see who I am underneath all the jokes and dry humor. I would have died tonight, never having been loved, never having felt it from another person.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep running away from these emotions that terrify me just because I’ve always assumed I was better off alone. Nobody is better off alone, and of course, I can be loved despite all my flaws. Those are what make me who I am.

Maybe I deserve love. Maybe I am the type of person who people drop anything for when I need them.

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realize this. I can’t believe almost dying is what it took for me to finally believe I am a person capable of feeling true, unconditional, stupid, dumb love.

“Paige, where is she?” I hear the voice of the person I need most, and as soon as he locks eyes with me, he takes a few steps, stops, and takes me in.

I’ve never seen him look so disheveled before, so panicked and worried.

He’s always been so calm, always so go-with-the-flow, but seeing him panicked like this at the thought of me being hurt? God, that’s unraveling me too.

It seems he needs me just as much as I seem to need him.

My legs weaken, and I stretch them out in front of me. That somehow shakes him out of whatever haze he was in before he comes over to me and runs his hands all over my body. When he opens his mouth, he can barely speak.

He takes one look at the stitches on my head before his eyes finally latch on to mine. “Who the fuck did this to you, Amelia?”

“I-I don’t know, Hen,” I say, the shaking in my body calming down now that he’s here. “Thank you for getting here.”

His gaze flies all over my shriveled up form, as if he’s scared I’m going to disappear under his touch. “I brought my headphones, and I have some snacks in my pocket, tissues too. I didn't know what happened, so I just grabbed what I could hold.”

“Henry—”

“I figured music would help, but when Paige called me, I was so fucking scared, Ames. She didn't tell me what happened, but her voice was so defeated, and my mind jumped to the worst of the worst. I should have come over tonight. I should have been here studying with you, and—”

“Henry—” He stares into my eyes, searching for an answer, but I know he can’t find one. “Will you just hold me?”

His eyes soften, a smile overtaking his face as he settles in next to me. I lean my head on his shoulder as his arms wrap around me. All our friends are gone, most likely outside giving us a minute, and I appreciate that.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened yet, but whenever you decide to, just know I’ll be here for you, Mills.”

I know, Hen . “Can you play that song you showed me the other day?”