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“Wow,” is all Ella can say.“But why didn't you come to us about all this when it was happening? Why did you cut us off completely?”

“My therapist says it's because I struggle with object permanence, in life and in relationships. If it’s not immediately around me or in my circle of everyday life, it’s harder for me to remember it exists.

I’m not excusing my behavior. It’s just how my brain acted before I was medicated.

Since I’ve been on a steady routine and taking my medication every morning, it’s been easier to handle things.

I’m more focused than I’ve ever been, and I’m managing things better than before.

It was a long fucking road to get here, and I’m still on it, still figuring out how this all works. ”

“I don’t really understand that,” Ella says. “But at some point, maybe we can all sit down, and you can tell us how we can help to better understand your brain how it is now.”

“We knew what you were like before this, Ames.” Paige smiles at me. “We don’t know how your brain works now, and I think what Ella said is a wonderful idea.”

“Agreed,” Hads says.

A few more tears fall from my eyes. “Thank you,” I sniffle. “All I really need is your support.”

“So, your decision to leave was an impulsive one,” Ella says to me. “And your trips you took back in college were the same kind of thing?”

“Yeah,” I tell her. “I also went to England to stick it to my parents. They were disappointed in me? Well, look at me, moving to an entire other country because I had a job offer. I didn't follow the path they wanted me to? Well, look at me, landing this job right out of college. Suck it, Mom and Dad. I’m going to be successful without you.”

“Why did you decide to come back now? Was it just for the wedding?” Paige asks me.

“After a few months of a solid routine and my medication working, I felt like I was in a good place. I also just missed you guys. You three were the only ones who cared about me, and for the first time ever during college, I felt like I could be myself, and you guys wouldn’t judge me for it.

You accepted me, flaws and all, and I never had that before. I never had that with my family.”

“Well, we definitely made fun of you,” Hads reminds me.

“But it was out of love, not disappointment. You guys never tried to change me. You worked around my unmedicated, ADHD brain before I even knew it was that.”

The four of us are silent for a few moments before Ella speaks up again.

“So, what happened with you and Henry? Was that an impulsive, split-second decision too?”

“I still struggle with that myself,” I tell them. “Impulsive? Yes, but he was someone I never really saw coming.”

“Those relationships are the best sometimes,” Hads says, no doubt thinking of Grant.

“I told him before we started dating officially that I’m a runner.

He knew who I was, though, and he loved me anyway.

When I look back on all those conversations, it always felt like I was warning him to not fall in love with me because, subconsciously, I think I knew I was going to do something stupid and hurt him in the process. ”

No one says anything. They know how I am. They know the decisions I made in the past were stupid and full of nonsense.

“He fell into me anyway, and I fell into him because he made me feel things I had never felt. He understood me—weird quirks and all. I loved him. I really did.” Tears start to stream down my face again, and I hate myself for feeling how I do.

I was the one who caused all this. I shouldn't be so upset at something I had a direct hand in crushing.

Dr. Elyse told me despite everything I had done, and even though I didn't feel capable of loving myself, I’m still lovable.

It’s not something you have to earn , she told me.

It’s something that comes from just being human .

Love is given freely, with no expectations or strings, because that’s what love is. It exists. Plain and simple .

That session was a turning point for me.

“Then why, Amelia? Why did you do what you did if you loved him?” Paige asks me.

“It was more about me than him. That sounds cliché, but it was. I had this fierce need to prove my parents wrong. Obviously, I was excited, but the need to stick it to them was stronger. It felt like I had tunnel vision as soon as I got the offer, and of course, I had to take it. Of course, I had to make something of myself, but when I factored in how Henry fit, nothing made sense to me. I loved him, God, I fucking loved him, but I was far too focused on my career to try and balance a relationship from an entire ocean away. I thought it was for the best—for me, for him, and for our collective futures.” Which it was, in a way, even if I’m miserable for the rest of my life without him.

He’s written a few bestsellers. It turned out okay for him.

He’s achieving his dreams, and even if I’m back to where I started before, I’m glad he’s made something of himself.

He deserves every good thing that comes his way.

“I guess it was for the best. Even though I’m a little lost, I had a good run in England. It was nice while it lasted, but I also became a lot more comfortable with who I am, so my stint overseas wasn't a complete failure.”

“You’re not a failure, Amelia,” Paige tells me. “And sometimes, being lost and confused is okay. That just means a new path is about to open for you. At least, that’s what I believe.”

“Do you still love him?” Hads asks me, my head whipping in her direction.

“Even if I did, I doubt he would care after how badly I broke him.” Truth is, it’s a question I can’t answer. What I did to him haunts me around every turn, and if there’s one thing I’ll never forgive myself for, it's the decision I made to break his heart in the middle of the airport.

He deserves better than me, and he probably found that after all these years. I won’t fuck up his life again, and I’m still working on adjusting to my new livelihood.

“Did you know he chased you through the airport? After you left, he stood there while we all tried to wrap our minds around what we saw, and then he bought a sixty-dollar ticket to nowhere just to chase you down. You never looked back, Amelia. He told us you walked onto that plane without so much of a glance behind you,” Ella tells me.

I never knew he did that. “I thought he was going to break where he stood after he came back out.”

“I didn’t know that. I told myself it was the right decision. I told myself the entire flight, the entire first few months I was over there, that I made the right choice. As my life started to spiral, I became more unsure of every decision I made up until that point.”

“Would you redo it if you could?” Hads asks me.

Would I? It’s a good question, one I’ve put way too many sleepless hours into wondering about. “If time worked that way, there are a lot of things I would go back and do differently.”

“But with him, Amelia.” Hads moves closer to me. “What would you do differently with Henry?”

I wouldn't break his heart . “I don’t think I’d let him fall for me in the first place.”

“Why? Why keep yourself from the good just because you messed something up?” Ella asks me.

“Because I’m not sure it’s worth it to feel good for a little while if the only thing I’m left with is the pain over what I did. I would rather feel nothing than feel everything, and I’m sure Henry would say the same.”

“What a waste, Amelia,” Hads says. “We all saw how you two were in college—enamored doesn't even cover it. Why would you want to erase all that from your memories?”

Because I’d rather be numb than live with the mistakes I’ve made . That’s why part of me was worried to go on medication in the first place. I was afraid I’d be more of an unfeeling robot than before, but that’s not true. If anything, I’m more in touch with my emotions than ever.

“So, are you going to talk to him?” Hads asks. “You will have to see him if he’s here with the boys. ”

My head turns to Paige. “I’m not going to ruin the wedding.”

“You have to at least talk to him,” Paige tells me. “You owe him that much, Ames. After all, you did just up and disappear on him with no explanation.”

I know she’s right, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that yet.

I’m strong enough to face the girls, but I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to look him in the eyes and see the consequences of what I did to him inside his gaze.

“I’ll think about it, okay?” I shake free from her hand, my palms sweaty before I shake my hands out, needing any part of my body to be moving. “Can we get ready for dinner now?”

The three of them look between the circle we have on Paige’s bed before Ella gets up and comes back to top off their drinks.

“Turn on the speaker and get some music going for us, Ames,” Ella tells me as she grabs my cup and heads to the kitchen to refill it.

I take a deep breath and take in everything I said to them. I feel lighter than I have in weeks, and now that everything is on the table and I have no more secrets to share, I’d say we’re all headed in the right direction.

These girls fully forgiving me is going to take some time, but this entire week has been a step in the right direction. I’m grateful I wasn't stupid enough to keep running from them, because on this next step, I don’t know how I’d be able to do it without them.