Page 14

Farsighted by The Band CAMINO

I’m glad our first day here was a chill one, because last night, I finally got some sleep.

Granted, most of it was on the balcony until I slithered inside as the sun started rising, but getting any sleep is good for me.

I’m slowly starting to feel more like myself, or this new and improved version of me.

I’m not quite sure who I am anymore, since all I’ve done is wrestle between two versions of myself—one properly diagnosed, one not. All I know is, I’m trying my best to be someone I can live with every day. I’m not there yet, but hopefully, if I can fix things with the girls, I’ll get there.

The group of us are walking to the beach, gearing up for our first full day with the sand in our toes, books in our hands, and the breeze through our hair.

“Is one of you actually going to build a sandcastle with me?” Paige asks, a smile on her face as we walk down the small path.

“Paige, we’ll do whatever you want. These are your wedding festivities, after all,” Hads tells her. “Plus, it’s been a while since I’ve built one, and I am all for healing my inner child on this trip.”

“It’s what all of us deserve after the past few years. And well, all of life, I guess,” Ella says as she shakes off her sandals and leads us toward a solitary part of the beach. The crowds aren't as bad as they are during the height of summer, but there are still a decent number of people here.

It’s been a long time since I’ve set foot on a beach, and part of me feels nostalgic for the life I used to live.

My family and I used to go to the beach all the time, and those are some core memories from my childhood.

They’re also the only ones I can really remember from way back then.

As I got older, they stopped on account of being too busy, but the beach was still my favorite place for solitude and thinking.

It was the place I felt most like myself, and now, I wonder what emotions will hit me as the day goes on.

Will I still feel like the mess I’m sorting through, or will I start to remember the girl who used to sit on the beach and journal, wishing for my life to get better?

Nothing hits me as the four of us lay our blankets down and start to set our stuff up. Ella stabs the umbrella into the ground, Paige drops her tote bag, her sand supplies falling out, and Hads puts the cooler on one corner of the blanket so the wind won’t take it away.

“I am so excited!” Paige exclaims. “I never went to the beach when I was a kid, and I will not miss this opportunity to build a freaking sandcastle, no matter how stupid you guys think it is. ”

“We don’t think it’s stupid,” I say before anyone else can. “This entire trip is to celebrate you, and if you want to heal your inner child and take back what you lost, then we’ll be right beside you. What part of that is weird? I think it’s sweet.”

She and the rest of the girls can only stare at me for a few seconds, but I swear, Ella has a slight smirk on her face.

“Thanks,” Paige whispers with a grin. “You’re right.”

I smile shyly as I scold myself for not being able to control my own mouth.

Still, that felt good—acknowledging Paige how I did.

It slipped out so naturally, just like it did when we used to live together during college.

Back then, it was so easy for us all to talk to one another—the complete opposite of how it is now.

Everything really has changed, and I hate it. I’m really trying to get better at running toward the people I’m supposed to when I feel like my thoughts are too loud for me to handle, but it’s hard to change something in a few months I’ve done my entire life.

I just need to remind myself a thousand times over that these conversations are worth having—these relationships are worth saving—no matter how scary it is to crack myself open in front of them.

The four of us read in semi-comfortable silence for about an hour before Paige finishes her book and immediately turns to all of us, ready to tell us why we should read it.

“Guys, he was angry and grumpy for everyone else but her, and he was a retired hitman who killed bad people to protect her. It’s the third book of this series, and I definitely recommend it.”

“Well, you know I love anything a little morally questionable, so I’ll add it to my list,” Ella says.

“I’m good,” Hads and I say at the same time before looking at one another in surprise.

“You guys know the darker stuff really isn't my vibe,” Hads reiterates.

“It has always boggled my mind that Paige loves it,” I say, turning my gaze to her. “I remember one time, you burst into my bedroom at like three in the morning to give me the entire rundown of that mafia family you were reading about.”

Her mind searches for the time I’m referencing, and her eyes light up when she finally figures it out. “Oh, yeah! That was the second-generation mafia series I was reading at the time. I remember I made you guys listen to me talk about it at book club.”

“Those were good times,” I say, nostalgia hitting me in the chest over how many times Paige would burst into my room in the early morning hours, knowing I was awake.

Awkward silence covers the group of us before Ella gets up and grabs one of the buckets Paige brought.

“Paige, it would be an honor if we could build a sandcastle together,” Ella says.

Paige hops up, shovel in hand, before she raises it to her chest. “The honor is all mine.”

I try to focus more on my book as they leave, but I can’t because in my mind, Hads is sitting about ten feet away from me. Now would be a perfect time to talk to her.

I should just do it, right?

“Hey, Hads,” I say as she looks up from her book. “Can we talk?” God, I sound like a desperate ex.

“Uh, sure,” she says as she throws a bookmark in her book and scooches closer to me.

I’m not quite sure how to go about this.

With Ella, it was easy because she surprised me while I was on the balcony.

Hads and I are the least emotional members of our little group—well, we were.

I’m not quite sure if Grant has softened her out more, but we’ve never had deep and sensitive conversations like the one we’re about to have.

This entire endeavor is a whole new beast for me, but I’m conquering it as best I can.

“Amelia?” Her voice shakes me out of my mind.

“Sorry,” I say. “I’m just trying to figure out how to go about this.”

“It’s easy,” she says as I lift my eyebrows at her. “You just have to speak.”

I stifle a chuckle before I basically blurt out my apology. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done, or rather, what I didn't do when I was in England. I screwed up, and I regret falling off the face of the planet. I was a horrible person and friend.”

She says nothing, so I continue.

“I’d say I wish I could go back and do everything differently, but I wouldn't. I went through a lot over there that probably wouldn't have happened if not for the decisions I made, but my biggest regret is not leaning on you when I was having a hard time. My biggest regret is how horrible I treated you guys, because I love you all, and you three mean too much to me for me to throw away all we had. You’re the only friends I want to have when we’re all old and gray, sitting in the same nursing home, reminiscing about the good old days. ”

She giggles, no doubt at the picture I painted, and right when I think she’s going to grab some sand and throw it at me, she speaks.

“I can tell you’re trying, Amelia, but it’s going to take some time for me to come around to the idea of you being here again.

I am happy you’re back and trying to fix everything.

I may not trust you fully yet, but I’m not blind.

You’re at least attempting to put the work in, and I think we’re all capable of getting back to how we used to be. ”

“I do too. I’m going to try my hardest to fix everything I broke.”

“I was really angry at you—especially after everything that happened with Grant.” Her eyes meet mine as she sighs heavily, and I can feel my throat start to clog with emotions.

“You weren't here, and Grant almost—” She cuts herself off, no doubt a little overwhelmed thinking about all that happened with the man she’s in love with.

“Grant almost died. One of your best friends almost died—and you didn't come back.

You didn't even pick the phone up. That hurt, Amelia, realizing you were no longer here and didn't care about us. We knew you saw our social media posts about it, but you still did nothing. That hurt.”

One tear falls. I didn't think Hads and I would get this emotional, but I thought wrong. “I wanted to come back. Really, I did, but I was struggling through my own shit. I was a fucking mess. Well, I still am, and that’s no excuse, but I’ve been working on doing better.”

“You do seem different.”

“I do?” I didn't think it was too noticeable, but I should have known these girls would see that. “That actually means a lot.”

“Why did you choose now to come back, though? That question has bugged me ever since Paige told me you answered the invitation.”

“That’s understandable.” I take a deep breath as my hand finds grains of sand, needing to feel something.

“I came back because I’m in a place where I’m ready to fix the things I broke.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, and London didn't really feel like home.

The invitation showed up at the right time, I guess.

If it had shown up at the beginning of the year, I wouldn't be here right now.”

“I feel for you, Amelia. I do. All of us have been going through a tough time, but we were still able to talk to one another about it.”

“I know. I’ll carry the fact that I didn't reach out with me for the rest of my life,” my throat breaks, and she hands me a bottle of water. “Thanks.”

She nods, taking a second to think about what she wants to say next. “I know this isn't easy, but you hurt me. I can come to forgive you if your actions start matching your words, but everything will always linger in the back of my mind.”

“That’s totally understandable,” I agree.

“I don’t expect you guys to just forget about that.

I just want to show you all I’m trying to do better.

I’m learning every single day is different for me and my mind, so I can’t tell you I’ll be perfect all the time, but I hope you guys can remember I’m trying. ”

“As long as you stick to your word, we’ll be okay.” She smiles softly at me.

“I’ll try my hardest.”

She nods. “I can tell.”

“Are you guys okay?” Paige asks as she comes back over, her hands covered in wet sand.

I quickly wipe the tear from my eye before I look at her.

“We’re okay,” Hads tells her before I can speak.

“Okay…” Paige eyes us skeptically. “Do you want to help Ella and I build a moat?” Her smile lights up this entire beach.

“Yeah,” Hads says, grabbing my hand. “ We do.”