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thirty-six

SIMON

V ic has been gone from the house more and more. I’m eating dinner alone again and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. When Vic and I talked about Pack and relationships, I thought I had it worked out. I felt confident, like it was going to be okay.

When Josie found out about my rut, it all crumbled.

There was so much shame in me, as if I’d failed her by being unable to control myself.

When it was just Vic and me, it was easy to believe him, and I was planning to talk to Henry and Josie after both Vic and I were healed.

Instead, Josie caught on to something in Vic’s voice and came here before I was ready.

The horror in her voice still rings in my ears, and the only phrase that I can hear is “How could you do this?” I can’t remember if she really said that, but it’s her voice I hear when that question runs through my brain.

How could I maim her best friend like that?

How could I attack the man I’m in love with?

What if I attack her next? Shame threatens to swallow me whole, and there are some moments when I want to let it.

My gourmet dinner of cold pizza that’s been in the fridge too long settles like a rock in my stomach.

I need some air. Grabbing a beer, I leave via the front door and head to my truck.

While it’s technically a truck, it’s not full-size and it’s not used for hauling anything.

It was just the right price at the right time a few years ago.

There’s a camping chair in the bed, so I open it and sit in the back of my truck on the chair, one foot resting on the side of the truck bed.

It’s a peaceful evening in a quiet neighborhood.

The weather is beautiful, and by all rights, I should feel calm and relaxed.

Too bad the only thing that can fix me is the woman I drove away.

Pretty sure Vic is on the edge of leaving, too.

My head flops back and hangs off the back of the chair a bit, letting the wind blow gently through the curls on my head.

Maybe I’m just meant to sabotage everything, be alone for the rest of my life because of one shitty experience that I’m letting dictate my fears.

A car pulls up nearby, but I leave my head back, eyes locked on the darkening sky as clouds gently float by.

Footsteps get closer, then break apart. One set goes toward the house, and I hear the door open and shut.

The other set turns into a body that’s climbing into my truck bed.

There’s a shift in the balance of the truck as the person sits down on the other side of the bed.

It’s silent for longer than I anticipate it being, so I turn my head toward my companion.

Jesse’s sitting with his forearms on his knees, looking at me.

Frowning, I pull my head up and brace myself for the small head rush of having my head leaned back for so long.

Neither of us says anything for a few moments, we just look each other over.

Not quite sizing each other up, but assessing how the other is looking.

I have a feeling Jesse wins in the battle of looking like he has his life together.

“What’s up?” I finally ask.

“Vic needed to grab some stuff. We saw you sitting here, so I figured I’d come sit with you.”

My brows draw into a frown. “You don’t like interacting with people.”

“I’m workin’ on it,” he shrugs, “it’s getting easier with Pack.”

“Must be nice,” I mutter before taking a swig of beer.

Jesse whistles, like he’s just seen something unexpected.

“That’s some top-notch wallowing you got goin’ on there,” he comments.

I scoff, “Is it wallowing if it’s your life? I fucked it all up again and there’s nobody else to blame.”

“Again? I thought your Pack trauma dumped you, not the other way around.”

“They did, but there was clearly something wrong with me for them to do that,” I sigh.

“Jesus, dude, you’re more emo than My Chemical Romance back in the day.”

I’ve never listened to the band, but his comment isn’t wrong, and all I can think of now is pulling my hair over one eye and getting some black eyeliner. Which then triggers the laugh. Jesse chuckles a little before we both sober up again.

“Can I tell you something?” I ask.

“Yeah, sure, not like I got friends to gossip with. On purpose.”

I look away for a moment before meeting his eyes again, “I feel like I already failed Josie and the Pack by going into rut. My dumb ass walked out on her heat, then went into rut and beat the shit out of Vic.”

“From what I heard, he got a few licks in and took you down.”

“Thankfully,” I agree.

“Why do you feel like going into rut is bad?” Jesse asks with an open expression.

“I don’t like feeling out of control, and I especially don’t like being out of control. Since I wasn’t there for her heat, I had no reason to go into rut. No real reason, and massive amounts of being out of control. What if I had seriously injured Vic? What if it happens again and I hurt Josie?”

Jesse smiles, “What if Josie lets you fuck it out of your system?”

I blink dumbly at him, startled into silence by the question.

“I mean it, what if she did? What if Vic did? What if you let the Pack be there for you instead of assuming you did anything wrong? Going into rut isn’t shameful, Simon, it’s biology,” Jesse says.

“I pushed her away. What if she doesn’t let me try again?” I try another argument.

Jesse smirks, “You know what I’m going to say, right?”

Sighing like a petulant child, I admit, “What if she does?”

“Exactly! Now before you can overthink shit again, get in that house and make up with your man. He’s almost as mopey as your ass when he thinks nobody is looking. He misses you.”

“You’re surprisingly observant,” I comment.

“If you tell anyone about that, I’ll deny it,” Jesse jokes.

Deciding that Jesse is right, I stand and face him with my hand out. He grasps it, and we do a bro hug before I hop down from the truck bed and go inside. Time to fix my shit for real this time.

Vic

Seeing Simon in the truck bed tears at my heart when Jesse and I pull up to the house. When I said I needed to grab a few things, he asked to come along for “bonding time,” so I invited him along. We haven’t talked much at all, except for him to shoo me into the house while he sits with Simon.

My office is the first stop. I need to grab a few more pads of sticky notes and some pens.

Henry has extra monitors, so we set up a decent workspace for me already at his house.

I’ve been spending Friday through Monday there, but lately Tuesdays have been creeping in as well.

Everything feels so right with the Pack that it’s hard to leave.

As I step into the bedroom, I’m faced with the physical reminder of why I came back here.

I can smell Simon’s Vanilla/Orange combination permeating the room we’ve been using.

He never did move to a different one. My own Sandalwood weaves throughout Simon’s scent; not as strong, but they complement each other well.

I grab a bag from my side of the closet space and add my office supplies to it.

Then I rifle through my clothing, trying to pick a few more pieces to keep at Henry’s.

I will definitely need another pair of shoes, so those will get set in the back as well.

The process takes a few minutes, and by the time I’m zipping up my bag, it’s pretty damn full.

Finally coaxing it to close, I turn to leave the room and see Simon standing in the doorway.

We stand and stare at each other for a moment, and he has a hard time meeting my eyes.

I know he’s been wallowing in shame since he denied Josie’s care, but I haven’t really tried to bring him out of it.

The behavior was so unlike the Simon I know that I couldn’t reconcile who I knew him to be with the cold version he presented to Josie.

My heart feels like it’s torn in two between the two of them.

I just want to love them both; is that too much to ask? Lately, it seems like that.

“Hey,” Simon finally breaks the silence.

“Hi,” I refuse to give him an out.

Petty? Yes. Do I care? No.

He clears his throat, “I owe you a couple of apologies.”

“Okay,” I drag out the word, curious what he thinks he needs to apologize for.

“I’m sorry for how I treated Josie. I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I’m especially sorry that I went into rut and beat the shit out of you,” he says.

That… was not what I was expecting.

“Si. I’m not mad at you. I miss you,” I tell him.

He looks at me in surprise, “You do?”

“Of course I do! You’re clearly torn up about how Josie learned about your rut, and I figured when you were ready to talk, you’d come to me. I just didn’t want to push you after we’d had our last talk.”

Simon runs a hand down his face, “God, I’m an idiot.”

“But you’re my idiot,” I say with a small smile.

That earns me a short laugh in return, and I feel hopeful as a result.

“I’m embarrassed. I let things get out of control, beat the shit out of you, then took it out on Josie,” he says.

Gently setting my bag on the ground, I walk over closer to him and grab his face gently in my hands.

“Baby, I beat the shit out of you . Nice try though, I knocked your ass out,” I tell him.

He pushes me away playfully, grinning at my cheek.

“What brought all this on, anyway? I’m glad you’re talking to me, but it’s a bit of a surprise,” I confess.

“Jesse.”

“Jesse?”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy,” Simon confirms.

I nod in agreement, “He really is. It’s been nice to get to know him, and he’s happy to just exist in a room with people, no pressure to socialize.”

Simon scuffs his shoe against the carpet.

“I need to apologize to Josie. She deserves that from me at minimum. Do you think she’ll hear me out? Will Henry? Be brutally honest, man,” Simon asks.

“They will. But I know Josie will want actions, not words. I also know Henry will follow Josie’s lead, but he doesn’t hold grudges.”

Simon nods, taking in the information with care. His hand reaches out to grab mine.

“Thank you,” he tells me.

I pull him in, wrapping my arms around him.

He returns the gesture, and we hold each other for a few moments, just enjoying the feel of our bodies together again.

My nose buries itself in Simon’s neck, taking in a fresh hit of his scent.

He pulls back and bends down to kiss me gently.

I return it, hoping that this is the time he really does pull his shit together.

“Do you think I could swing by this evening?” he asks, and I can see his brain working on an idea.

“Probably, Jesse said he wants to bond in, but I’m not sure it’ll be tonight. Plan to come over unless I text you, is that okay?”

“Yes, let’s do that. I need to pack some shit and grab my car keys,” he says, mostly to himself by the end.

I grab my bag and hoist it over my shoulder.

“Do you need directions?” I ask.

He waves me off from the closet, calling, “No, I got it.”

I smile and head down the stairs, back out the front door. Jesse hears the door close and hops out of Simon’s truck. Jesse ambles over as I put my bag into the backseat. When I close the door, I see Jesse standing at the front of the car, waiting for me before he walks around to the passenger side.

“Good talk?” he asks.

I raise an eyebrow at him, “You are a smooth talker, you know that? I’m keeping my eye on you.”

Jesse smirks, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

We get into the car, and I laugh as we drive back home to Henry’s. I can’t wait to bond him in and get Simon’s ass in gear.