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thirty-two

JESSE

I ’ve done this to myself. I know. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

At the moment that Josie was completely vulnerable, I panicked.

They all wanted to be Pack and bond, and I chose not to trust them instead of asking for boundaries.

Thinking back, I’m not even sure if I tried or not.

If I had tried, I know the words would have gotten stuck in my throat.

New people take me a long time to work up to, and as quickly as Josie and I have clicked, it’s not the same with the guys.

Regret sits heavily in my stomach, but the anti-social part of me is relieved we made it out.

We didn’t have to have any awkward conversations, the guys didn’t have time to give me odd looks, and I would look like a fool in front of Josie.

No, you just looked like a jackass instead .

My inner critic gets a mental middle finger from me.

It’s annoying when my inner critic is right, especially when I don’t want to face my problems. So, I have been doing what I do best: burying myself in work.

Today, I surface fully, realizing that I’ve been operating in a haze.

I know I’ve gotten up and eaten, taken care of myself, but I haven’t really registered my surroundings.

My coffee is cold, it probably has been for a while, so I head to the kitchen to pour in some that’s hot.

When I get there, I find that I’ve left the pot to sit, and the light is off.

Fuck, now I gotta make more coffee. My problem with that is that Josie’s house is entirely too visible from my kitchen.

The last thing I want is more reminders of my epic fuck up.

Seems like I’m a masochist, though, because as the coffee brews, I can’t help but stare out the window that faces her place.

After zoning out, I hear the coffee maker beep, indicating that my life-saving fluid is ready for me.

Grabbing my mug, I fill it with black coffee and inhale deeply. Second-best smell in the world.

As I turn to go back to my cave of work, I see movement out of the corner of my eye.

Josie is leaving her apartment with Henry, who is holding a few of her bags.

I’m rooted to the spot as I watch her nuzzle her nose into his chest while he holds her.

I should be the one holding her. She should be here with me, not him. Fuck everything.

My eyes follow them to the car and watch as they climb in.

I get a few glimpses of Josie’s face, her eyes red from tears and something weighing her down.

Our eyes meet for a long beat, and I can see how beat down she really is.

I did that, I contributed to that. She breaks contact and looks down at her lap before Henry pulls out of the driveway and takes her away.

Self-loathing creeps in to reside nicely with the guilt in my gut. I need to suck it up and figure out how to get past my social issues… later, I’ll do that later. Work is calling my name right now, so I go bury myself in code again, trying to figure out what needs fixing.

A couple of days later, my boss kicks me off my laptop at noon, threatening to take away all my access if I don’t comply.

I may have been working 14-hour days the last few days, so maybe he has a point.

I’ve landed myself on the couch, watching daytime judge shows.

Some of the judges are badass, and I find myself hooked more than I want to admit.

The problem with this situation is that I can’t ignore my Alpha instincts.

They’re loud and angry, making me more torn up inside than I was when I had work to focus on.

Now I’m focused on keeping them contained, although my Alpha is not happy with that.

There’s a demand to wallow in pain and go into a rut to fight out the aggression and disappointment over missing our Match’s first heat.

My phone rings next to me, and I look over, noting the time, surprised that so much of my day has gone by.

Seeing her name on the phone sends a zip of anxiety through my body, but I can’t keep hiding.

Not if I really want to be in Josie’s life, and I really do want to be.

I watch the phone ring for another moment, picking it up at the last moment.

“Um, hi,” I answer, eloquent as ever.

“Hey Jesse,” her voice is soft and gentle, I wish I could listen to it all day.

I clear my throat, “What’s… what’s up?”

“I was hoping we could talk. Are you busy today?”

“No, day’s wide open. Anything you need,” I say, probably too eagerly.

“Okay, I’ll be over to your place in a little bit. See you soon.”

“Yeah, see you.”

She hangs up, and I find myself a little bit thrown.

The conversation wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t comfortable either.

Is she going to cut me out? Why would she bother doing that in person?

Either way, I realize I’ve left a lot of trash lying around, so I make a point to quickly pick up what I can and toss it in the trash bin.

At least then my place doesn’t look entirely like a slob lives here.

It only takes about ten minutes for the doorbell to ring. Quickly, I make my way to the door, opening it to see Josie standing there, waiting for me, and also glimpse Henry parked in her driveway. He catches my eye and holds up a hand in greeting. I do the same and step back so Josie can come in.

“Make yourself at home,” I tell her, trying for casual.

She steps in with a small smile, but doesn’t sit down. Instead, she paces around the living room, noting my sparse decorations and furniture set up. With the door closed, I take a seat on one of the chairs and wait for her to start. Finally, Josie turns, her hands on her hips.

“What the actual fuck, Jesse?” she asks.

I stare at her wide-eyed, trying to think if I just did something wrong, or if she’s talking about her heat? Maybe something happened after? Shit, what did I do?

Josie paces, hands still on her hips, “I’m furious with you. I don’t think I’ve been this mad in years. YEARS, Jesse!”

Hopefully, my choice to remain silent for the moment is a wise one, because I’m not sure I should interrupt her right now. Josie’s eyes nailed me in place for a moment, narrowed and accusing.

“Did you, or did you not promise me that we were going to figure this shit out together ? That we would talk about Pack stuff and work it out together.”

“Um, yes, I did promise that,” I admit, dreading whatever she has to say next.

She moves again, pacing as she talks, “Did I or did I not tell you I have trust issues? That I stop putting my trust in people too easily?”

“Yeah, Jojo, you did,” I say, my voice tight with emotion.

“Then what the actual FUCK, Jesse?”

I lean forward and put my forearms on my knees, clasping my hands in front of me.

My eyes stay locked on her, and I’m unwilling to look away.

She needs me to see and hear this, so I will.

Even though it feels like shit to hear how mad she is.

My body tenses, ready for more of her verbal blows.

The natural instinct to get defensive rises, and I try my best to tamp it down.

“I needed you, Jesse! Do you know how awful a heat is when you’ve met your Match and they leave you hanging? No, I suppose you don’t,” she waves me off, even though I haven’t replied.

Her eyes look glossy, like she’s holding tears back, but I don’t think she would appreciate me trying to hug her right now. My hands clasp each other harder, and I refrain from attempting to comfort her. Josie needs to get this out and my dumb ass probably needs to hear it.

“I went through my heat disoriented and confused. Something was missing the entire time. It’s like eating a chocolate chip cookie without any chocolate chips in it!

Yeah, it’s a cookie, but something isn’t right.

Two of my Alphas abandoned me the moment shit got serious.

You guys were fine to watch the pre-show, but when we got to the main event, you both bailed.

“You have no idea how much that fucks with me. I’ve had enough flings to understand rejection. Do you think I wasn’t scared to go through my heat? Do you think I wasn’t nervous about bonding? OF COURSE I WAS! But I trusted my Matches, like you should have trusted me.”

Josie has tears running down her face now, a slow, steady stream as she lays into me.

Belatedly, I realize there are some on mine as well.

As she talks, I try to open myself to her pain, and I can see it plain as day now.

I’ll never fully feel what she does, how could I?

The full repercussions of my cowardice finally hitting me.

“Jos—” I start, but she cuts me off with a glare.

We stare at each other for a moment, and I tentatively restart.

“Jojo…” She looks more approving at the nickname. “Words will never be enough to make things right. If you give me half a chance, I’d love to be a servant to you. Do whatever you tell me to do, act however you want me to act.”

Standing, I cautiously move the few feet between us and kneel down in front of her.

In terms of dominance, Alphas are always at the top.

It’s just how we’re made. Now, though, I’m giving her my subservience, kneeling and exposing my neck to her to show her that she’s in charge here.

Not me. It’s a primal gesture, and based on the widening of her eyes, Josie understands it.

“Stop,” she says softly.

I shake my head stubbornly, “No, I can’t stop Jojo.

I can’t stop until I’ve made things right.

Being part of a Pack fucking terrifies me, I’m so used to being alone that it sounds suffocating.

Being without you, though? That’s pure fucking torture and if there’s any chance of getting you back, I will take it. ”

Her tears start fresh, running down her face, “You never lost me.”

“I came too damn close to it. If you hadn’t called today, I’m sure I would have been chasing you down sooner rather than later.”

“What if I don’t want you to? What if I want you to leave me be?” she challenges.

The words spear my chest with pain, but I know she needs to hear my answer. She needs my assurance, and I’m happy to give it to her. In her own style.

“I’m never gonna give you up,” I tell her.

Her lips quirk.

“Never gonna let you down,” I continue.

“Never gonna run around?”

I shake my head, “Or desert you. Not again.”

She smiles, as I’d hoped she would, her love of 80s music shining through. Her face sobers, though, as another thought hits her.

“What if I’m not ready for a full bond any time soon? What if I’m too scared?” she asks.

“Then I will wait as long as it takes. I will support and love you from the side for as long as you let me, until you accept me or send me away. Even if you send me away, though, I’ll still look out for you. You’re it for me, Jojo.”

She kneels down in front of me, placing her hands on either side of my face, “Never gonna make me cry?”

“Never gonna say goodbye,” I continue, my hands resting on her hips, “Never gonna tell a lie or hurt you.”

Grinning, her eyes still overflow with tears, and I start to get a little worried about her hydration levels.

“You’re so cheesy,” she accuses me.

Slowly, so she has plenty of time to pull away, I rest my forehead against hers, “Just for you, Jojo. Only you.”