Page 7

Then

Being in every class with her, hadn’t helped.

Seth tried to forget his initial impression of her.

With that, Joshua never failed to remind Seth of how he felt about her. Or, more specifically, how he felt about her appearance.

“A 6 at most,” he’d say

As if a person’s entire worth could be measured against a rating system.

Nina was more than a number. Seth noticed that she laughed with her chin tilted backwards, as if the laughter were gushing out like a fountain. He also noticed that she was funny; whenever she gave presentations, she’d crack a couple of jokes that had his class giggling.

Even him .

She also was really creatively smart. In English, she was a champion.

A master.

All of that didn’t add up to a mere 6. All of that was beyond the numbers 1-10 that Joshua seemed to feel only existed.

Deep down, it disgusted Seth. But the part of him that wanted to fit in, that wanted to belong to a crowd, and a popular one at that, forcibly overlooked his distaste. He gritted his teeth and laughed along, as though he were as shallow as Joshua.

As if he believed in those numbers.

The highlight of his first high school year, however, was that his parents were at least beginning to pay attention to him. His grades were doing well, and the teachers praised him at the end-of-year parent and student interviews.

That night, his Dad actually suggested they eat out at a nice restaurant. Seth bloomed with pride. He was determined to keep it going.

But over the summer holidays, his parents had gone back to their routine.

Dad would stay working late nights and be too tired to watch a movie as a family whenever he got home, going straight to shower and bed.

His Mum was there more often, but she spent a great deal chatting with her friends on phone calls.

They never asked about what Seth was doing. Or how he was going. The friends he made, or how he was finding class.

He’d gotten used to it. Back then, in primary school, Seth craved for them to pay attention more. But now, he sought this in his friends. Even if they happened to be dickheads, because at least they seemed to care.

It was at the beginning of Year 8, when the summer heat still lingered toward the end of January, that Seth realised the gossip hadn’t just been contained in his grade, but had somewhat spread to the teachers too.

Did teachers even care about such trivial things?

Apparently, they did.

It started out when their science teacher, Mrs Kaleski, asked them all to line up against the wall for their first science class of the new year.

They were in Year 8 now, she explained. They no longer could act like animals in a classroom, chatting, conversing, mucking around. Which is why she enacted the dreaded seating plan.

One by one, his friends were called up, being placed next to other classmates that he knew they weren’t close with. Or really, anything with.

This class is really going to be the drag of the year, huh? Seth thought, as Joshua, was assigned beside Layla.

There were only a handful of them left, and none of them Seth was particularly close with. I mean, at least there was Gwendolyn or Bianca.

Oh please, let me be seated with either or, Seth manifested.

“Seth Moore,” Kaleski called. His desk was in the middle column, but thankfully it was the second last row. Carrying his things, he sauntered over, placing his textbooks sloppily over the surface.

Please call out Gwen or Bi-

“And Nina Mendez.”

Seth froze.

No, no.

Actually, the whole class seemed to freeze along with him. The most uncomfortable few seconds of silence of his life occurred. Until, the class erupted.

Laughter poured in from his peers, who all turned to watch as Nina walked over to her side of the desk. She was looking around at her peers, a nervous smile on her face. She glanced at her desk as she reached it, not even meeting his eyes.

After placing her books down, her gaze shifted to the ground. Not once did she look at Seth.

If she likes me so much, why don’t I feel like I exist to her? Wait, why did he even care?

They stood side by side, leaving all the space between them as one could possibly muster.

For 14-year-old Seth, this was the worst thing he could’ve imagined.

Neither broke the wall of silence. Neither were aware of how to diffuse the awkward tension.

During their first lesson, Seth tried. He really did. He’d offered her his textbook to share, to which she replied with the duck of her head and a deepening red on her cheeks.

During their second lesson, he smiled at her as she sat down, hoping to diffuse discomfort between them. She smiled back, but her cheeks deepened once more.

During their third lesson, he asked her how her day was going. Which he later realised was dumb because they shared the same timetable, being in the same classes.

She’d responded with a simple, “it’s going good,” before chewing at her cheeks and looking away.

During their fourth lesson, he asked her about what she thought about the English lesson they’d had before, and she responded with the same single sentence variations.

By the fifth lesson, Seth had given up trying. He would only smile at Nina whenever she’d sit down, but that was it. It was always so hard to try and talk to her.

He really tried to put himself in her shoes. How would he act around a crush?

He was perfectly fine around Gwendolyn, and Bianca. He was perfectly chill around Layla. And every other girl he found pretty.

I mean, his ‘crush’ on them didn’t go beyond the physicals, but still.

During that lesson, when the science on the smartboard got much too overwhelming, Seth felt his gaze gravitate toward her, sneaking a glance. He realised that he’d been sneaking glances all along, without her knowledge, and without his own.

By now, he’d memorised the way her eyebrows furrowed, with the smallest crinkle between them, when she was concentrating. He noticed the way her lips curved the slightest, as if smiling was her default. He noted how her eyelashes curled over the hood of her lids, and that they were long too.

She caught his gaze and he quickly turned to talk to his friend that was diagonally across, and in the line of vision, so as to pretend that was his intention all along.

She’d quickly dropped her sights down, and chewed on her cheek once more.

What on earth do you feel toward me, Nina Mendez?

It was during their sixth lesson, that the wall of silence had finally been broken.

As Nina opened up her laptop, Seth noticed she wasn’t taking notes. In fact, she was on a movie making program. Clips from a show he recognised vaguely. She was editing something.

Curious, he asked “Wait, isn’t that Criminal Minds?”

Nina glanced back at him, surprised. Her eyes were wide, and honey brown too. A tint washed over her cheeks.

“Yeah, it’s one of my favourite shows,” she expressed softly. For someone who always had the loudest conversations around her friends, she really was quiet around him.

“Do you watch it?” she asked.

Seth shrugged. He’d started the first episode and always intended to finish the first season, but always got caught up watching other shows instead.

“I started it a bit ago. It was really good, actually. I might continue it,” he said.

Smiling, he noticed something shift in Nina’s eyes. In fact, her whole demeanour shifted in the slightest. Like she’d gotten brighter.

“You should, ” she expressed, “It’s really good. Like, I’d say it’s my favourite show. Especially Season 2.”

Seth, surprised at her animation toward him, couldn’t help but smile. It was the first time that they’d interacted this way. Interacted properly at all since he’d found out about her crush.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” he chuckled.

The blush on her cheeks deepened, and Nina's smile deepened, as though satisfied with herself. She turned back to her laptop, but Seth noticed she didn’t do anything.

Just stared at her screen.

After their conversation, Seth took it upon himself to continue Criminal Minds that night, and finished the rest of Season 1 in one sitting. Nina was right.

The show really was addictive.

From what he was aware, none of his other friends watched Criminal Minds . He didn’t feel like he had to ask if they had.

His parents weren’t into these kinds of shows, either. Instead, they seemed to entertain themselves by having petty arguments over Dad’s overtime hours at work, or things like how Mum is always nagging.

So, really, he had no one else to talk to about it. Except for Nina.

Seth wasn’t sure he wanted to be friends with her just yet. It was still so hard to interact with her normally, especially when he felt like the eyes of his classmates were all on him.

Maybe talking online would be easier.

He messaged her that night, on Skype.

Seth: Soo…I finished season 1 of Criminal Minds. That was awesome, great recc

The grey icon said she was offline, but the moment he pressed send, it lit into green. Three bubbles hovered immediately. Before stopping. Then starting again

.

Nina: You liked it! I’m so so happy. It’s the best isn’t it? What was your favourite episode?

Seth: Is it just me, or does it sound totally sadistic that we enjoy this show and you’re asking for my favourite episode? Haha

Nina: You’re right. Maybe we should’ve used a VPN, block off the FBI first or something

Seth chuckled at that. He could almost imagine these messages in Nina’s voice.

They spent an entire night chatting about Criminal Minds, exchanging their favourite characters, their favourite cases and the ones that scared them the most. It was easy over text, where he didn’t have to catch the red on her cheeks, or the glint in her eyes.

Or focus on the way her smile felt oddly like sunshine.

I could be her friend. I can do it. I can be…something.

It wasn’t until a week after their Skype conversation, when Seth overheard Nina’s friends’ conversation that he realised there needed to be a change in the seating arrangements.

That day, Seth was early to the science block, sitting against the bricked wall.

He was thinking about the show and all the questions he’d ask Nina about it.

He’d finished Season 2 already, and was keen to tell Nina his thoughts, in person this time.

They’d been chatting every other night on Skype about the show, and Seth had noticed that since then, Nina appeared more at ease beside him in science class.

And then -

“This is the cutest letter Nina, you’ve got to give it to him. Give it to him today! After class!”

Nina and her group of friends were just around the corner. They didn’t realise Seth was there.

“Oh my gosh no, I’m never going to give this to him, it’s too embarrassing,” Nina’s voice piped up, always being much too loud.

“Come on Nina, this is the perfect time! He’s going to love it, maybe he’ll even fall for you.”

He’ll fall for you.

The words made Seth’s stomach churn strangely. Made him feel oddly…transparent. The sensation that someone was watching his every movement fell over him, and he glanced around, suddenly on edge.

Falling for someone suggested love. And the love that Seth went home to, the one between his parents, the one with a strange negative energy and silence was the only one he knew.

He didn’t want to fall.

“He wouldn’t…” Nina said, a bit more softly this time. The sadness in her tone made Seth’s heart plummet.

The sound of jingling keys distracted Seth. Mrs. Kaleski was opening the doors to the classroom, meaning the rest of his classmates would be there soon. Biting the inside of his cheek, Seth felt himself settle on his decision.

Getting up, he followed Mrs Kaleski inside.

She glanced up from her desk in surprise as he walked through.

“Seth, there’s still 5 minutes until the bell rings,” she informed.

“I know, I just wanted to ask,” he balanced on his heels, looking down, “would it be okay, if you moved Nina and I? I don’t really - it’s just everyone teasing - I don’t feel -”

Gosh, it was awkward trying to explain it to Mrs Kaleski. However, she simply lifted her finger, stopping him.

“I understand. I’ll move you and Nina to more suitable seating partners for this lesson.”

Seth pursed his lips, relieved. “Thank you.”

It was Seth who was moved. Nina didn’t even have the chance to say hi to him as she walked in.

He was swapped with his classmate Christina, meaning he had the opportunity to sit beside Bianca. As if the plan was woven just for him. And yet, some part of Seth felt ashamed.

Guilty almost.

He wasn’t even able to enjoy chatting with Bianca that lesson. Not that she’d even attempt to reciprocate his conversation.

By the end of the lesson, Seth was the last to leave. He’d taken his time on purpose packing up his things. He didn’t want to pass Nina, or be acknowledged by her; he felt all too weirdly guilty. Bianca was out of her seat right the second the bell sounded.

“Don’t bother giving it to him. I think he’s the one who asked you guys to change seats,” he overheard Bianca say to Nina.

It sent a pang through him.

When Seth was certain Nina and Bianca were gone, he turned toward the exit. As he reached the door, he noticed that atop the pile of rubbish gathered in the bin, was a crumpled envelope.

Was it…?

Taking the envelope, Seth peered inside the folds, opening it just the slightest. There it was, in Nina’s handwriting.

Seth inhaled sharply, closing the envelope. He pushed it deep below in his bag, intending to read it later that night, or eventually that year.

The letter was never read, and to this day, it still lies buried at the bottom of his old high school bag.