Page 39

Now

He stepped onto the train, before he even thought of a destination.

Getting far away from his home, from that street, from this platform where he’d met Nina almost every morning for the past couple of months, was what he needed.

His fingers closed around his phone, gripping it, and he itched once more to text Nina.

I can’t offer the love she deserves.

His phone started to ring halfway through the trip, from both his Mum and Dad. He sent them a text stating that he was staying at his friend’s place tonight, to prevent them from submitting a missing persons report.

It wasn’t until Seth was three stops away from Central, that he called Jae. Other than Nina, his was the first name that popped up in his head.

He hadn’t even realised that Jae had become that sort of person for Seth, one that he could feel vulnerable with openly.

“What’s up,” Jae greeted.

When he was met with silence within the first ten seconds, Jae’s voice dipped into one of concern.

“Seth, man, what’s wrong?”

“Can I stay at yours?” Seth asked, “I had a massive fight with my parents and I - I just need to be somewhere that’s not there right now.”

Without hesitation, and almost instantly, Jae said, “Of course bro. Anytime.”

Seth’s shoulders relaxed, his entire weight slumping against his train seat, not even realising it’d been tense. Jae was not Joshua. He was not like his other friends before, where it’d been all for show, all for superficiality and rank climbing.

No - Jae was a true friend. His only true friend, and for that, Seth was grateful. At least he’d done something right.

Before arriving at Jae’s step, Seth stopped by a Mexican takeaway joint and picked up a couple of burritos for them both, and some crinkle cut fries. He was already beginning to feel bad for springing this sudden sleepover on Jae, so the least he could do was provide their food.

It was already dark by the time Seth arrived, even though it was only 6pm. Night came quicker during winter, which Seth despised.

“Hey man,” Jae greeted, clapping Seth on the back.

He asked no questions, other than what Seth felt like watching on Netflix. Jae also had a subscription to CrunchyRoll, so they started a popular anime called One Piece instead. It was a fun show that Seth was able to lose his brain to.

“You had no plans with Anya, tonight?” Seth asked, as he finished up his burrito.

Jae shook his head.

“I saw her yesterday, and she slept over the night before. Today, she’s out at a hens night for her best friend.”

Relief washed over Seth. At least he hadn’t rudely impeded on any existing plans.

At one point, Jae’s sister, Lina, stepped out of the room to greet Seth, before retreating back inside.

“She’s like that, ignore her. Love the solace of her own room.”

They watched a couple more episodes of One Piece, until Jae declared he was going to get desert. Desert, being a chocolate paddlepop from the fridge.

As he did so, he asked, “So, is everything okay Seth? Did you want to talk about it?”

In all honesty, no. He didn’t. All he wanted to do was keep watching episodes of these pirates on adventures, trying to find the titular one piece.

But that was what Seth always did. Run away. Distract himself. Never face the issue.

From the freezer, Jae stood, expectant but not pushing. With a sigh, Seth pressed his back against the futon. His eyes drifted to the ceiling, and he heaved a weighty exhale.

“I feel like I could’ve just accepted it if they divorced and got it over and done with,” he confessed, and somehow, speaking the words out loud alleviated some pressure from his chest.

Jae approached, settling on the floor. He ripped open a new packet of chips slowly, casually.

“Is this your parents?”

“Yeah. They fought all throughout high school, and I was always at the scene of the crime. Then, they separated when I was 15. I had to watch the whole thing, jump between both of them, see them getting with temporary partners. But they never officially divorce. I don’t know why.

And then, when I was about 19 years old, they started hanging out again.

Staying at each other’s places. A couple of months after I turned 20, they got back together.

Mum moved right back in, as if she'd never left. And suddenly, everything was back to normal.”

“That sounds like a lot to have to take in. Especially for a teenager.”

Seth closed his eyes, and he was transported back to his 13-year-old self.

Hearing his parents fighting again. God - what were the fights even about? Sometimes money, sometimes silly, petty things.

All he remembered were the voices. Sharpened, like weapons, and used to cut deep.

People in love don’t act like that. At least, not the type of love Seth wanted.

“When they got back together, I just - I still can’t explain why it messed with my head.

Why can't I get over it? How did they fix what was broken? How could they fall in love again after vowing against their own vows? God - it’s all so pathetic.

I feel so broken from it, but can I even call myself broken, if my so-called trauma does not compare to what others have faced?

It’s like I’m an imposter or something.”

It’s why Seth never voiced how he felt before. All of it, everything he was feeling, felt like child’s play. A tantrum that belonged to a 5-year-old, compared to what others went through.

He shook his head, fearing that he sounded absolutely idiotic to his one and only friend.

“Sorry, Jae, for that dump. I must sound so -”

“No, Seth. The human experience isn’t meant to be measured against each other. We’re all different.”

That’s when Seth glanced at Jae. His eyes were softened, but there was no pity present.

Only understanding. Only sympathy.

No mockery, no degradation.

“What if I’m too messed up for her?” Seth asked, his gaze dropping to the floor. He fiddled with the thread of the futon.

“You’re not messed up because of your parents, Seth. The fact that you’ve admitted this to me, that you are so scared. It shows that you’re willing to do something different than them.”

Was he right?

“Did you tell Nina this?” Jae asked. Seth shook his head.

“I don’t want this part of me to be a part of the us that could’ve been.”

“But that’s what love is. Helping her understand that this was something you need to work through. She would’ve stood by you, every step of the way. I know she would. I’ve seen it in her eyes.”

Nina’s eyes. Brown. Wide. Beautiful.

“But I don’t want to hurt her.”

“That’s up to her to decide, whether it’s a risk she’s willing to take.”

Jae pushed himself from the floor, and slumped down beside Seth.

“Look, man, I can see how much you love her. You love her, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Seth responded, with no hesitation. No fear.

“See how quickly you just affirmed that to me? You are not your parents, Seth. Everyone loves in their own way, and I can see that you will love so strongly. Greatly, even if you don’t believe in it. That’s got to account for something.”

“But I’ve broken her heart before. What if I break her heart again?”

“Love doesn’t promise that there’ll be no broken hearts. But it’ll promise that it can be mended with the right person.”

Would Seth’s love for Nina truly be enough? He refused to repeat his parents’ mistake, refused to put Nina through that kind of torment. Not again.

He wanted to be right for her. Wanted to spend his entire life, train his entire being, to be deserving of her. Wanted to be the one that made Nina believe that her works of fiction could be reality.

The question now was whether Seth was willing to take that risk. Was he brave enough?

“Thank you, Jae,” he whispered. He felt Jae’s hand clap against his shoulder.

“I think you should also talk to your parents tomorrow, too. They might have something to say, now that they know how you feel.”

“God, I hate how you’re the wise one between us,” Seth groaned, with a small chuckle.

“I always was. Now, do you want to continue this or play some games?”

And just like that, the weight of their conversation had lifted, and Jae had reverted them back into a lighter air. Seth didn’t even feel like he deserved Jae, but at least he can work everyday to be the bestest friend that he could be, for him.