Page 36

Now

Seth could count the moments, that he almost believed in love, on his hand.

The first time was during the history excursion. When he and Nina stood side-by-side, and gazed at the artworks, feeling the force of the art flowing over them. The passion.

And Nina’s words. She’d always had the best way with words.

The second time, was when Seth and Nina watched When Harry Met Sally together, and he realised that he had fallen, truly, in love with her.

The third time was the only time it involved his parents. He was only seven years old, and he’d caught them swaying to some jazzy music in the kitchen, with only the light from the stove illuminating the darkness. He’d woken up at 12am from a nightmare, and saw them locked in that intimate embrace.

Seth didn’t believe much in love, but he’d believed it those three times.

Two out of three held one common factor.

She stood in front of him now.

It’d been less than a day since their kiss, but it felt like the hours had stretched into years.

After the kiss, Nina’s Dad had arrived.

“Sorry, I have to go,” she’d whispered, pulling away quickly from his embrace the moment she saw her Dad’s car.

The absence of him was like an ice shard against his ribs.

Later on, he texted her, asking what her plans for that night were. He wanted to see her, to go to her house and ask her what it all meant.

To tell her that for him, it meant everything. It wasn’t just temporary, not with her.

Instead, Nina excused herself to be with her family.

Which was the first sign, the first shift. They always had conversations into the night, even when she was with her family.

The next morning, Seth texted her instantly, after barely any sleep was had.

Seth: Let’s properly talk about what happened. Meet me today, at the park bench? Around midday?

He’d gotten there, half-an-hour before the clock struck 12. He’d paced the entire field, watching as dogs bounded happily, and kids played with their friends.

The sun was shining brightly, the sky empty of clouds. Seth took this as a sign that everything was going to be okay.

It has to be.

That was, until he saw her approaching.

Her hands were bunched.

She was glancing down, and everything about her body language wasn’t right.

“Nina,” he said, his voice captured by the wind.

She still wasn’t looking at him.

This wasn’t how it was meant to go.

Seth reached forward, but pulled backward once he noticed that she wasn’t reciprocating.

Suddenly, a wave of cold doused over him. A fear that she hadn’t wanted the kiss, not at all. That he overstepped things.

Oh god - had he ruined their friendship?

He needed to speak first, to apologise. To assure her that he didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable - to never be the source of any discomfort ever again - when she opened her mouth.

“Seth, I - what happened yesterday. That threw me off guard. I didn’t realise that you….Maybe a part of me had hoped, but never thought…”

She’d hoped?

The cold wave left, replaced with a steady warmth.

“But…”

Her tone was uncertain. Hesitant. That’s when she finally looked at him.

In her gaze held an innate heaviness, a sadness.

“Do you know what happened, the first time I saw you again on that train platform? It was like - it was like all the years had stripped away. And suddenly I was 12-years-old again, falling in love with you for the first time. With that smile of yours that hadn’t changed a bit.

With your snarkiness. And I hated it, I hate how no matter how many years have passed between us, how much I’ve changed, even with all the boys I fell for in between, the 12 year old girl in me hadn’t left. I’m afraid she never will.”

His heart beat with every word, increasing its rhythm. Nina had returned his feelings. So what was wrong?

“Nina,” he began, but she shook her head. That’s when he noticed the tears. “Nina, you have to know. I am crazy about you. If you feel even half of what I feel for you…be it a quarter..”

“Half?” she laughed, a heartless one brimming with disbelief, “Seth, loving you has been my constant. ”

Constant.

She shook her head, “And that’s why I’m scared.

You still have that effect on me. You will always have this effect on me.

Being around you feels like I’m holding the sun in my chest and it’s been like that since I was twelve, and it’s still the same way now.

Kissing you felt like everything I’ve ever held inside, just spilled out.

Like every dream I’ve ever had just came true and I can’t -”

“Why?” he whispered. He reached forward, brushing his fingers against her hand. She kept it rigid, at her side.

“Because I’m scared of you. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone else. It’s always been you, Seth. You have the power to tear me apart. You have the power to turn me into a shell of myself. Just like…when we were in high school.”

One by one, her words struck him, embedding themselves like ice. She shifted her hand away from his own and stepped backward, tearing her gaze away. For a moment, only their breaths filled the silence.

Then, “Nina, back then I - I was an idiot. The biggest there was. I was a fake, I didn’t know how to think for myself - to feel for myself. Because back then I - you have to know that I -”

She met his eyes again, and this time, they were glistening.

“Please, don’t, I can’t hear -”

“I liked you then, as well Nina.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, as if to ward off his confession.

“But what if you suddenly just decide you don’t want me anymore? What if you just decide I’m not worth it, and leave? What if I’m too much for you, what if I drive you away? What if -”

It was there again. All these what ifs.

“Don’t you trust me enough? What about all the time we’ve been spending these past few months? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“They’ve meant the world to me, but I was able to shield myself from the thought of us ever being more than friends.

But now I know that we both want something more.

And now the risk is higher and I - I -” She shook her head, turning away and buried her face against her palms. As if trying to shield herself from everything, just as she’d tried to do.

Seth stood there, motionless, watching her. Every cell in him itched to reach forward, but he didn’t. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

Even now, he was hurting her.

How tragic, that the girl who loved love was scared of loving him.

Was that who he was destined to be? Someone who hurt, when he loved?

A memory resurfaced, hot and vivid in his mind, of his Dad hunched over and sobbing quietly in his room.

It was a week after his Mum moved out, and they finalised the separation. Until then, they both betrayed no indication that they even cared about their separation. But the image of his Dad crying was branded in Seth’s brain.

Love did that to him.

To them, his parents.

It’s the only love he’s ever known, and what if that’s the love he’ll end up showing Nina? He loved her so much, but what if that wasn’t enough?

The thoughts clouded him in a dangerous orbit. He couldn’t be near her anymore, not if it wasn’t good.

He stepped backward, sealing the decision, against the protest of his heart.

“You’re right. I’m sorry Nina. I don’t deserve you, I’ve never deserved you…”

I don’t want to lose you , he thought. But if losing Seth was best for Nina, then he’ll comply. For her. She looked at him once more, and all he could think was how beautiful she was. Always.

She inhaled deeply, “I think we just need some space between us, for a bit. To just…work out what’s happening right now, on our own.”

“Okay.”

They both paused, lost in each other’s gaze, a magnetic pull pulsing between them. He wanted to kiss her, and he knew she wanted to as well. But she didn’t. Instead, she stepped backward, stretching more distance between them.

“I should go now.”

Don’t.

“Bye, Nina.”

His voice came out as a whisper.

“Bye Seth.”

He watched as she walked away, slowly fading from view.