Page 33

Then

The whispers had finally begun to fade, a week after the incident between Seth and Nina. Such whispers had certainly blown itself out of proportion, with some claiming Seth rejected Nina right to her face.

Others claimed that he’d yelled right at her. But soon, they dispersed, and another mode of hot gossip soon took the stage.

Everyone seemed to have forgotten. But not Seth, and certainly not Nina.

She barely looked at him anymore. He didn’t realise how much he’d cherished catching her secret eye, and falling amused at her blushes. Now, she hardly spared him a glance.

There was one time in English, just a couple of days ago, when she asked out loud for a spare pen. Seth buried his hand into his pencil case immediately, willing to sacrifice his only pen, but he was too slow. Their classmate, Ben, had already handed his own to her.

Truthfully, there was nothing Seth wouldn’t do, to try and earn Nina’s forgiveness. There was also nothing he would do. He was caught in a see-saw, a never ending dilemma.

Her stricken face, caused by his words, haunted him whenever he closed his eyes. God, he wanted nothing more than to get her alone, to talk to her, tell her the truth. But the barrier built up by his friends’ expectations pushed him back every time.

Who the hell cares what they think?

Eventually, he caved. At the end of their last period, Seth approached Veronica at the locker bays. As soon as she noticed his presence, she visibly recoiled.

“What?” she asked, malice dripping from her tone. He could almost commend her for her dedication to hating him.

“I - could you - can I have Nina’s number?”

The question came out so pathetically, he wanted to rewind to the beginning of the day. Veronica must’ve felt the same, because her face scrunched, as though he was a putrid smell.

“And why would I do that?”

“I want to apologise to her. I was going to do it face to face but I…” I’m a coward, he thought, “I just - I want to apologise. And I do it better over the phone.”

Veronica closed her locker, and zipped up her bag, meeting his query with silence. He stood his ground, waiting, and it wasn’t until she swung her bag over her shoulder that she sighed deeply.

“Fine. I don’t want to, but I’m doing this for her sake. The least she deserves is an apology, and about time too.”

His skin felt cold as the last comment reached him. It was true - he’d left it far too long. He should’ve apologised that day. Veronica held up her phone on Nina’s phone number, and Seth’s eyes drifted immediately to the contact photo.

It was Nina, doing a peace sign with her cheeks puffed out, and lips pressed into a kissing pose. Disregarding the tumble in his stomach, Seth recorded the number down into his contacts.

“Thank you, Veronica,” he said, “And I - I’m sor-”

“I’m not the one who needs to hear that,” Veronica stated. She turned on her heel, their conversation drawing to a close.

Seth gripped his phone closely, like a prophecy. A promise. He’ll make things right.

He held the phone against his ear, but all he was met with was the cruel ring. Waiting…Waiting

Words he’d rehearsed turned over and over again in his head.

Nina, I’m sorry. Those two words alone aren’t enough to truly express how sorry I am.

If I could create a word right now, that summarised everything I felt, how absolutely guilty I am, how much of an asshole.

But it doesn’t matter, because the words were still said.

I want to let you know that it’s all untrue.

None of it. You are the opposite of every cruel word that exists.

To me, you are like sunshine. Yes, we don’t talk much.

Yes, we share classes. But I watch you too.

You are such a bright light, Nina. A safe place.

And I don’t deserve the feelings you think you have.

But I’d like to deserve it, I’d like to earn it.

Truth is, you define goodness and beauty, to me.

I don’t believe in love, but you are what I think love should look like.

And I’m saying this now because I don’t want to be scared of what the other guys say of me.

I don’t care what they think. I like yo-

Seth’s thoughts were cut off by Nina’s voicemail, her own voice flowing through.

“Hey, you’ve reached Nina. Please leave your message at the beep. Thank you!”

He breathed in, but his pre-prepared speech, his confession, his redemption failed to make it through. Instead, he was met with silence. He closed his mouth, opened it again, but the cowardice maintained its barricade. Seconds mulled on, until Seth pulled the phone from his ear and pressed end.

Closing his eyes, he pressed his forehead against the heel of his palm, a groan of frustration replacing his confession.

Coward, coward, coward.

After that, Seth deleted Nina’s phone number off his phone. He didn’t want to be reminded constantly, of the biggest loss, and his greatest what if.