Page 32

“It’s - uh -” he reached up, scratching the back of his head. All the words he’d rehearsed seem to have dried up in his throat. “I just thought, to cheer you up, after what had happened, you know? And also, yeah. I wanted to do this for you. Just to see you smile.”

As quick as a breath, she surged forward, wrapping her arms around him. His heart pounded ferociously now, and he feared it might betray him. In a bid to savour the moment, he wrapped his arms around her, too.

“What the hell Seth,” she murmured, against his shirt.

Then, when she pulled away, it’s not abrupt, but slow. As if, she too, was reluctant to break the contact.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice quiet yet radiant with warmth. And it may be his own hopeful reach, but he swore, he swore - he could hear something deeper in it too.

Something more than just gratitude.

Like the beginning of something between them. One that neither could say out loud.

Can she feel the shift between us?

Or maybe not. Maybe, to her, this was just the sweet gesture of a friend she’d grown close with over the last few months.

Clearing his throat, Seth gestured toward the DVD cases.

“Want to watch one of them?”

That seemed to break Nina from the momentary daze. Nodding, she picked up Aliens.

“Are you in the mood for some grit?”

Seth chuckled.

“Always.”

They’d burrowed under one blanket, but Seth ensured she had the majority of the coverlet. He tried not to dwell on their shared warmth, or the fact that she’d definitely moved a little closer to her during the movie.

So much so, that their legs were basically touching.

Around twenty minutes into the movie, Nina leaned forward to pause it. Seth turned, wondering if she needed a glass of water, or some snacks.

“Did you need anything? I’ll go get it,” he started, but she shook her head.

There was something she needed to say, it appeared. Seth leaned back against the couch, watching her expectantly.

Then, “A part of me is glad that Carlos didn’t work out.”

“Why?”

She fidgeted with the end of the blanket, twirling it around her finger.

“I think if it became real…it would’ve scared me. I probably would’ve run away, or said that it was all a joke or something.”

“Why would you do that?”

A humourless chuckle escaped her lips.

“Little thing about me? I love love, but I’m a little terrified of it. God, I dream of having someone love me back, of being with that perfect partner. But the truth is…I think I love too much.”

Her words struck him, and he was seized with a frustration that surprised him. Nina, thinking that she was too much? He turned his body, so he was facing her full on.

“Nina, come on. That’s ridiculous.”

But she just shook her head.

“I feel with my entire being. I literally can’t just love something a normal amount.

Everything I love, I love with my everything.

So when it comes to romantic love, what if that’s too much for the other person?

Sometimes I’m scared it might be a burden to love me.

Not because I wouldn’t love them back, but because I’d love them too much. ”

He needed to get her to believe that everything she was saying was the furthest from the truth. Seth wasn’t great with words, not when it came to emotions. But he felt the right ones bubbling to his throat, before he comprehended them.

“Nina, look at me,” her head turned, her brown eyes greeting his own. He held onto them.

“It’d be a privilege to receive the kind of love you offer to give.

The type that so many would fight for. And if it accounts for anything, seeing you so passionate about loving, convinces me that for others, it can happen.

If love exists, then the person who would surely receive and be worthy of the greatest kind, would be you. ”

She held his gaze a moment longer, and he felt that pull between them again, the thrumming in the air. The sense that this would be the perfect moment to lean in, to capture her lips.

He swallowed, and glanced down, playing with the lint on the blanket. Coward.

“Seth, what made you believe that love doesn’t exist?” she asked, and the softness in her voice tempted him to spill himself raw. To tell her all his troubles, and lay safe in her comfort.

“When I was young, my parents separated. Long story short, they got back together. But all I remember are their fights. The things they said, the people they saw in between. I grew up watching their love fall apart and I just - it just took a toll on me,” he shrugged, trying to appear as if it wasn’t that big of a deal, “I guess I just think that I could end up like them, maybe. I don’t know. ”

Warmth enveloped his hand, as her fingers wrapped around his. There was this deep sadness, an overwhelming sympathy in her eyes. As if grieving for that part of him.

“But you aren’t your parents, Seth,” she whispered, “I hope you learn that. Learn to believe that.”

She hadn’t been surprised at the news.

Maybe she was the only one who knew all along, even back in high school. During the moments of his life, when he felt invisible, she’d always been watching him.

He glanced down at their interlocked fingers.

“With the right person, I could grow to believe in it,” he croaked.

“Then, I sincerely hope you find her,” she said.

I already have.

“Me too.”

The movie ended much too soon.

Seth wished he could stay here, watching movies with Nina all night. But it was getting late now. Nina’s parents had gone off to bed already, almost an hour ago, leaving the two of them alone in the dark, with only the glow from the TV illuminating the space.

He should head home.

“Nina?”

When Seth was met with silence, he turned his head, peering over to the spot on the futon couch where Nina was sleeping. To his surprise, she’d fallen asleep.

Her head rested against her hand, propped up by her elbow.

It was swaying, however, the weight of her exhaustion weighing down against her wrist. Ensuring she won’t end up hitting her head against the couch, Seth quickly moved forward.

Carefully, he slipped his fingers against her cheek, lifting her head softly off of her wrist. With his free hand, he grabbed a pillow.

Then, he lowered her head onto its soft surface, careful so as to not wake her.

Once he’d positioned her, he pulled the throw blanket toward her, placing it softly above her shoulders.

She didn’t stir. She must be in a deep sleep.

Kneeling beside the couch, Seth’s eyes drifted over Nina. Over her face.

His eyes lingered on her features. Her eyelashes that touched her cheeks, her eyebrows. The stray hairs that tickled her forehead. The curve of her nose. Her lips, that were slightly ajar.

A weight fell upon his chest. A desire, a burning one, to wrap her up in his arms. To commit her to his memory. It felt almost like a pathetic desperation, this need to be close to her.

To press his lips against hers. To love her.

Reaching forward, his fingers brushed her cheekbone. His thumb grazed its curve. It was a feather of a touch, but even this was enough for Seth. It had to be enough.

For she wasn’t his.

A tear, unbeknownst to Seth, had fallen onto his own cheeks. Followed by another.

If only, if only, if only.

The words, the regret ran laps, over and over again, a desperate race to remind him that it was his own fault for not knowing sooner that Nina would be the only girl he’s loved this way.

His tongue tasted salt as the tears stained his lips. And yet, regardless of his unrequited feelings, Seth felt happiest to just sit in this moment. To have been let back into Nina’s life.

It was in this quiet, that Seth acknowledged the truth.

He loved her.

No, more than that.

He was in love with her.

And while he’ll always feel himself incapable of loving correctly, of loving right, he believed that he loved her.

So much so, that to just be known by her, would be enough.

Carried by this, Seth drew himself toward her. And softly, so as to not wake her, pressed his lips against her cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut, his own tears staining Nina’s cheekbone.

“I love you,” he whispered. He needed to say it to her, at least once.

He needed to say it out loud. But he needed to keep the torment to himself.

And yet…

In this moment of quiet, where all was still, he let himself be deluded that she was his. Just for a mere second. Yet, even within the depths of his imagination….she was much too great to ever belong to anyone.

Let alone him.