Page 30
Story: If Only
Just as he set up his PC, his phone buzzed. It was probably Jae, asking him if he was ready to start the game. Grabbing it, he checked who it was.
Missed call from Nina.
On cue, his heart picked up its pace. Why was Nina calling him? He quickly messaged Jae that Nina was calling him, and that their gameplay might be delayed.
Then, he dialled Nina’s number.
“Nina?”
“He has someone.”
The reaction was immediate. A turmoil. A part of him leapt in glee that Carlos hadn’t returned her feelings.
It means you still have a chance.
But another part felt heartbroken at knowing Nina had faced rejection.
“Oh Nina…” he started, after a few moments of stretched silence.
“I was actually, like, I was starting to tell him how I felt when he stopped me, before I made a further fool of myself. He has a partner, living in New Zealand. A long distance relationship that’s been strong for three months.
He never mentioned his boyfriend before, so that’s why I assumed - I also wanted to wait for the timing since he only broke up with this girl he dated in our cohort like a year ago but - I’m sorry I’m rambling. ”
“No, it’s okay, don’t be sorry,” he scrambled for the right words, the ones that would make Nina smile again, even if he couldn’t see it. “I’m sorry. Putting yourself out there - that’s so - you’ve always been admirable for that. And I’m sorry he didn’t give you the response you wanted.”
“He let me down easy, at least. He told me that I’m beautiful, and I’m amazing, and all of that.
And that he wants to be in my life as a friend, but he doesn't know if he can be anything more. Wait - God -” she sniffled a little, and Seth wanted to burn down buildings over it.
“Sorry I already called Veronica and Celine before this, and already had my little cry. It’s a bit silly, actually, he was so nice about it, and there’s no hard feelings at all.
I’m happy that he’s happy and has a loving partner.
And I promise you, I’m not that super beat up or miserable over it, it’s just -”
“You don’t need to explain,” Seth whispered. He closed his eyes, imagining that Nina was here, so he could hold her. So he could wipe away her tears. Make her laugh.
“I just - I want someone to see me, one day. Like, obviously I know that I don’t need to have a partner or whatever, to be happy.
And it’s not like I think Carlos will be the only guy like that for me.
But it would be nice, just having that someone who sees you, you know?
I think I’m just yearning, a little pathetically. ”
He wanted to tell her that he did. That he sees her in ways that nobody else could. That perhaps it’s always been that way.
“Nina,” he said, his voice thick with everything unspoken, “You’re you. If there’s anyone that could find that someone who sees you, and where you see them entirely, it’s you.”
“You’re right. Just, ugh. It’s just a sucky situation, that’s all.
But I’ll be good. I’ll be okay. I’m just happy I can still be his friend.
I just wanted to update you, since you helped me with that final push to tell him.
I don’t regret it, at all, so thank you Seth.
It’s funny, I kind of forgot the thrill of it all,” that made her chuckle, making him sigh with immense relief.
“You mean, when you screamed out how much you liked me in front of everyone? Is that the thrill you’re speaking of?” Seth recalled, his tone teasing, and Nina groaned.
“What did I say about mentioning the past. God - so cringey.”
He shook his head. If only she knew how much of the past he wanted back.
“Did you want to watch anything together? To cheer you up?”
“We’ve been watching so much of what I like…why don’t you pick?”
“But you need cheering up.”
“You being on the phone with me is cheering me up,” Nina confessed, and his heart pounced. He paused, his words stuck on his tongue, and Nina must’ve felt awkward too, because she coughed a little.
“You mentioned once that you and Jae like to game? Why don’t you screen share it on Discord or something, and I’ll watch?”
He laughed a little.
“You want to watch me play?”
“Of course I do.”
“It isn’t boring for you?”
“Never for me.”
In that moment, Seth was wholly convinced that he could the big-M word her.
“Besides, it’ll be fun watching you die over and over in game.”
“Okay sadist,” Seth laughed.
For the rest of the night, Seth, Jae and Nina all jumped into a Discord call. She sat idly in the background, commenting on the game and laughing along whenever Seth would lose to Jae in their 1v1s. At one point, Anya joined, and the two girls jokingly taunted the two boys.
Eventually, as the night stretched, Jae and Anya fell away, declaring exhaustion, and it was just Seth and Nina. He knew that she was tired, though, from the way her voice had dipped a little lower and softer.
“So, are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I will be. Of course. I’m an expert at this, kinda.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Nina.”
She laughed, softly, “Seth Roman Moore. My boy of the past, one of my favourite people now. It’s still so surreal.”
His heart thumped steadily. My boy.
“Your favourite person, even if I once broke your heart?”
“Funny, huh?”
When they finally said their goodnights, and the call ended, the silence in his room felt all too heavy. But it was familiar, and for a moment, he let it settle around him, like a comforting hug.
Even if there was a chance that she would never feel that way about him again, he felt privileged in being the one that was there for her. To comfort her, and dry her tears when she was down.
And for now, that was enough.
Table of Contents
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- Page 29
- Page 30 (Reading here)
- Page 31
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- Page 43