Page 27

Now

“Well, duh, obviously you’re not over her.”

A handful of fries had fallen from Jae’s mouth as he said this, and Seth resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Anya was perched beside him, her gaze full of such affection, you’d think that Jae didn’t look like an absolute mess.

Only two weeks ago, the two of them became official.

After a month of going on dates, of courting her as Jae called it, he finally asked Anya to be his girlfriend.

To which she replied, “Babe, come on, I’ve been your girlfriend for a while now.”

Seth would never admit it, but he tried to avoid the two of them together as best he could. They were stuck in a honeymoon orbit, a nauseating aura of cuteness that was too much for Seth’s heart right now.

“I still think it’s so sweet, and kind of ironic, how you fell for the girl who had a crush on you in high school,” Anya professed, as she pushed a fry through her lips.

“It’s such a sad coincidence, isn’t it?” Jae interjected, “Like, you really could’ve gotten with her so long ag-”

“Okay, okay, you’re not helping,” Seth groaned.

“Do you kind of hate yourself for not liking her back then?” Anya questioned once more, leaning forward against her elbows this time.

Seth’s lids dropped, shooting her a look as if to say what do you think.

“Yeah, I’m actually curious about that,” Jae interjected, leaning forward too, mimicking Anya’s movements. They exchanged looks of amusement, their gazes holding a second longer than normal and Seth resisted the urge to groan.

“What is there to be curious about? I missed my chance back then and I’m in danger of missing my chance with her now.

I was….an idiot back then. I did return her feelings.

But I was scared. I pushed her away on purpose,” his voice drifted a little toward the end, memories rushing back at him in an unpleasant, unwelcoming wave.

“Pushed her away…?”

Then, the memory of that day, when Seth had been sure he’d torn Nina away from him for good, had ensured her teenage heart was broken…

It was a series of memories, of images he hadn’t wanted to remember, had tried to block since reconnecting with her. But it came now, in torturous flashes that blinded him, that he had to close his eyes.

“Don’t worry. I was just a dickhead back then, and I might just be the dickhead that’ll never deserve her.”

He was met with silence, to no surprise. Until he felt a slap against his wrist. Jae was looking at him, his brows furrowed, caught between amusement and flabbergast.

“Don’t be so dramatic you drama queen,” he said, “You don’t even know if this person returns Nina’s feelings. So don’t give up, not yet. Don’t make the same mistake that younger you did.”

That was true. Seth didn’t know if Carlos returned Nina’s affections.

Did he still stand a chance?

Even so, was he even worthy of it?

He didn’t even get to voice these concerns, because Anya had turned to Jae, her smile stretched into a blissful smile.

“Babe, you absolutely pathetic loverboy,” she cooed, squeezing his cheeks.

“Shut up, you’re dating this loverboy,” Jae responded, poking her sides.

Seth knew he’d lost them, even way before that point.

That night, Nina chose the movie. They’d had this agreement to each choose a movie on a certain night, and since they’d watched Seth’s pick the day before, it was Nina’s turn.

He was relieved that Nina enjoyed Mortal Kombat. Or at least, she constantly reassured him that she did. The film itself generated mixed reviews, so Seth had always put off actually watching it, but Nina insisted.

She was a fan of the game franchise itself, with her favourite character being the malicious Mileena. Seth made a mental note to himself that one day, he’ll invite Nina over and they’ll play Mortal Kombat together.

Tonight, Nina chose the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, since it only recently became available on streaming. She’d already seen it when it came out with her family, but she loved it so much she didn’t mind watching it again.

Seth heard a lot of buzz around it, so he wasn’t unfamiliar with it. But what surprised him was the stir of emotion as the movie fared on. How drawn he felt to the characters on screen, and how it roused an odd feeling at his chest.

The love story between Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan, particularly, had his eyes moisten up. He never cried at movies. Maybe it was the fact that Nina’s voice had lingered in the background, making gentle commentary, and cooing at the romance herself.

“A love that transcends all universes. Now that’s - that’s the goal,” she’d murmured, “Oh, this scene just gets me everything.”

It was a montage of scenes between Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan, showcasing their love in multiple universes. One particular scene lingered on a moment between them, in the laundry room.

Then, Ke Huy Quan’s character declares, “In another life, I would’ve loved doing laundry and taxes with you.”

“Oh gosh,” Nina sighed.

In another life…

A pang rang through Seth, the sensation so visceral, so real that he closed his eyes. He swallowed, burying the abrupt wave of regret.

In another life, I would’ve never let you go, Nina, he thought.

When the film ended, Nina began to gush about what she loved about it. The narrative, its themes, the cinematography, the cast. She was always able to nitpick the goodness from everything.

The quote, however, echoed in Seth’s mind. It’s then that he needed an answer. The only one he would need.

“You really like that guy, don’t you? Like, romantically.”

Seth couldn’t help it. He didn’t want the truth. He couldn’t live without it.

There was silence.

Of course, Nina would’ve been caught by surprise.

Again, Seth said, “That guy we saw. Carlos.”

Then, there was a hesitant shift.

“Why, all of a sudden?” she asked, with a small chuckle.

But Seth didn’t feel like chuckling along, to conceal his feelings with humour, just this once.

“I care about you,” he murmured, “And I just…I wanna know.”

She must’ve sensed the serious tone in his voice, because she didn’t crack a joke about any of what he’d just confessed.

Instead, “I mean…yeah I do.”

There it was. A whispered bullet, shattering everything around him. He didn’t know how to speak, for a moment. Was unsure of how to weave himself around this aching feeling.

“Seth?”

Her soft voice anchored him, regardless of being the catalyst of his despair. Swallowing, he willed himself to smile, even if she couldn’t see him.

“Isn’t that cute?” he said, yet he wondered if he sounded genuine.

He must, because he could hear the grin in Nina’s voice.

“Oh, shut up. It’s…God. I haven’t really had many crushes in a while. Not anyone as much as I liked…”

She trailed off, the answer hanging between them, like an omen.

As much as me. But do you like him more than when you liked me? He wanted to ask.

“Do you plan on telling him?” Seth asked, instead.

“What?”

“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”

Her nervous laugh drifted through the phone’s receiver, and Seth wanted to bottle it as his own. Wanted to live off of it, like an addict. To claim it as his.

“God - I don’t know. I haven’t really thought of that - I-”

She’s nervous. He could hear her shifting atop her bedsheets, could picture her picking at her earlobe, a tell of hers that he’s come to learn. She’d be gnawing at the right corner of her lips, and her eyebrows would be drawn.

“Don’t bite your lip,” Seth whispered.

“How’d you know?”

“I just do.”

She laughed again. God.

“I don’t know if he’d feel that way about me. I don’t want to ruin the friendship.”

He wanted to scream, to cry out that Carlos would be the biggest idiot to not see Nina that way.

How could he not fall for the way her laughter made everything brighter, like sunlight spilling through the window at the break of dawn.

How could he not fall for the way she spoke of the world and everything around her, as if life were written pages sprung from a fairytale?

The crinkle, just beside her eye when she’d smile. The way she held her hot chocolate when she wanted to warm her fingers?

What kind of fool wouldn’t fall for Nina Mendez?

Me.

He was that fool. The greatest fool of all.

“Why wouldn’t he?”

Another laugh. A skeptical one.

“Well, I mean, there could be many reasons why. I could just not be…his fit, you know? Or his type….”

Her words twisted against his gut, reopening a wound that he’d tried so hard to forget

“... Not that I care if, like, he finds me pretty or whatever, you know. God, no…”

“Nina…” he murmured.

Suddenly, he was a stupid 17-year-old again, with words he never meant to say, never meant to think, never meant leaving his mouth. Because he was a goddamned idiot.

The biggest fool.

From the moment his mind formed the words, before speaking, he’d already regretted it. Renounced it. Declared it the un truth.

Yet, it was too late.

It was the reason Nina couldn’t look at him properly again. Even later on, as graduation simmered through, and she was civil and kind, she could never look him in the eye.

“Sorry, I’m sounding silly. I don’t want you thinking I care about how he thinks I look-”

“You are beautiful, Nina,” Seth whispered, and he wished he could turn back time, and profess it to her like a mantra.

A pause. He swore that he heard the sharp intake of her breath. Then, a chuckle.

“Thanks, Seth,” she responded, and her tone was laced with amusement. He realised she didn’t believe him.

A wave of desperation crashed over.

“No, truly, ” his throat came out croaky. Vulnerable. “Nina…you’re captivating. I don’t think you realise that. You have this way about you that…makes everything around you seem beautiful. Because you, yourself, are beautiful. And it’s infectious. ”

The words poured out of him in a rush, bottled whispers and truths that were now out there.

“And I’m - I’m sorry. For what I said, when we were in high school.”

Silence stretched between them. It’d never been addressed. Never been acknowledged. They had kept it buried, almost like a curse.

But it existed because of Seth, and while he could never undo what he’d said, he’ll do everything to reverse it slowly.

“We were only kids, it’s okay,” Nina said, though her voice, which had softened to a whisper, told him everything he needed to know.

That their age, the time that's passed, would never erase his words.

“It doesn’t matter,” Seth stated, his voice hard. He closed his eyes, memories of a 16-year-old Nina’s stricken expression flooding through. It’s a sight that has tormented him ever since.

“I was a fucking shithead. A coward, a dumbass. You are - you were always beautiful to me, Nina. And the moment those words left my mouth…I don’t know what I could do to ask your forgiveness for that.

I don’t know if I deserve it. So I will spend the rest of knowing you, asking for that forgiveness, and reminding you of what’s the truth.

That you are beautiful. Always have been. ”

Heat rushed against his cheeks once he spoke the last word, and immediately, he clamped his lips closed.

He’s never…he’s never told anyone anything like that. Not even when he’d have temporary flings, where he’d certainly find the women he’d hold absolutely gorgeous. No doubt.

But he’d never felt the desire to voice it. He’d never found them mesmerising, as he does Nina.

As he has always found Nina.

Thick silence thrummed in the air, stretching and pulsing, and Seth wanted nothing more than to break it.

“Seth - I - I don’t know what to say. You - sure, yes, you were a dickhead back then -” He chuckled at that. It was true. He really was, and he’ll always hate it.

“But you’re not like that now,” she concluded.

“You know Nina, I’d trade time to go back. To know you all over again, and make things right.”

She laughed, “That’s kind of against time travel rules Seth. You’d put a lot of timelines at risk.”

“I don’t care. It’s worth it,” he swallowed, before he poured more of his vulnerabilities on the table, “ I hope you can forgive me for what I said, even if this apology is a little pathetic and much too late.”

She shook her head.

“I already have.”

The verbal confirmation eased the ache in his heart, at least a little. All these years, he’d carried a guilt over hurting Nina Mendez, and while it may never be settled, every moment he spent making her smile eased the pain bit by bit.

“There’s no reason why Carlos wouldn’t want you back,” Seth continued, like he needed to remind her of why they were having this conversation in the first place. He needed to divert the attention on his vulnerability back.

“So, you really think I should confess?”

There was something about Nina’s question. Something in her tone, like she was waiting.

Was she waiting for…

No. Perhaps, that was just his hope.

“You should, when you feel the timing is right. Get it off your chest, and I’ll be here, cheering you on,” Seth added, the promise a stab in the back against his own feelings.

“Thank you Seth. You’re amazing.”

The smile in Nina’s voice made it all worth it. And Seth thought, maybe this is closest to what love should feel like.

To want to see the one you love at their happiest, even if it’s at the expense of your own.