Page 23

Now

He tried to justify what he was feeling.

This gaping abyss at the pit of his stomach, the sensation of his heart beating in a hollow cave. An unquenchable thirst at the back of his throat, but the inability to ingest anything really.

Of course, the word already floated around his head. But the idea was laughable.

How? How?

Seth spent most of the night lying awake, staring at the ceiling. Nina had texted him when she got home from her drinks, asking him how his night went, while also giving details of her outing.

He read through them from the notifications on the screen, his stomach twisting in an agony that he wanted to rip out.

It rendered him feeling completely pathetic. It reminded him of the first night he spent alone in his room, when his Dad left the house and didn’t come back for a while.

Weak. Pathetic.

All these words were interchangeable, falling under the same umbrella. Seth tucked the phone under his pillow, without replying to Nina. He curled into a fetal position, as if he could squeeze this feeling out of him.

What had been more odd, was Joshua’s voice arose, an echo of the past.

“What are you doing, crying over a girl? Fucking weak shit.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, he screamed back at this echo of Joshua, that he wasn’t weak.

He was just heartbroken.

That next morning, Jae texted to ask about how it went with Nina. Seeing her name scrolled across her screen was like a sharp dagger through his stomach. He dismissed the conversation instantly.

Seth: She doesn’t feel the same. Whatever. Moving on.

Jae: Damn, sorry man. You still staying friends with her?

That was an answer Seth wasn’t sure of. He wanted, more than anything, to remain friends with Nina. To have endless chatter with her, to walk by her side, laugh with her. Yet, the part of him that wanted more, that tugged at his heart, told him he couldn’t do it. Not right now.

Seth: We’ll just see how it goes.

It was then that Seth swore that he’d waste no more time on it. That he’d move on, move along with his life.

That weekend, he redownloaded the dating apps.

Here, his heart would be safe.

He didn’t need to worry about whether the other person returned feelings. On these apps, he wouldn’t find himself affected by their smile, or their voice. Seth would be after one thing, and one thing only.

Nina texted him a few times, sending him little memes and links she thought he’d like. She must not think, or realise, that he was trying to keep her out.

To detox from what she’d done to him. So, he kept dismissing the messages, leaving them unread.

A week had passed, and soon Nina picked up on what was happening.

Nina: Hey, are you okay? Haven’t heard from you in a bit x

That little ‘ x ’? Oh, the way it embedded itself like a knife in his heart.

But it was fine, because Seth was talking casually with a girl, called Leigh, who’d swiped back on him on the dating app. They were planning to meet up for a date for that Friday.

And then Friday came along.

Seth couldn’t do it. That morning, he backed out, because he couldn’t do it.

He’d wanted to water down the part of him that found himself yearning for the one thing he was afraid of, ever since he was a teenage boy.

Love.

Except, this couldn’t be love. But it might as well be on the way to it.

Leigh didn’t seem to care much, when he cancelled on her that morning. At the end of the day, it was nothing.

He couldn’t indulge himself the same way, in these meaningless escapades, anymore.

How could he, when he’d been dreaming of Nina’s laugh almost every night?

After the second week, Nina stopped texting.

Why would she reach out anyway, when her messages were left on delivered?

It was for the best, Seth told himself.

The sooner they forget each other, the sooner they can move on with their lives. University assignments were dawning on him, and took up much of his time, so it wasn’t a lie after all. Outside of his assignments, he had no time, anyway, with his internship.

So that’s how he occupied his time. He’d work on his assignment, then he’d work on his internship. And if he got even a slither of free time, he’d game with Jae until Jae called it quits.

Gratefully, Jae didn’t ask about Nina very much. Maybe he sensed the shift in Seth’s mood, that they’d reached an unspeakable agreement that Seth handled these things better when it was on mute.

Seth could tell that Jae didn’t want him to be silent on it. But what was there to do? Seth only knew how to combat with silence.

It was on the Thursday night, after he’d logged off from his internship for the day, that he called for a well-deserved time out.

He rolled his chair away from his desk, and slumped himself against the bed.

He reached for his phone, and started scrolling on social media.

It was the same old feed. Updates from former classmates.

Pop-culture news that sparked his interest for just a second, until he scrolled past. There was a meme about readers that caught Seth’s attention.

His stomach clenched, and his fingers itched to send the post to her. He didn’t, and scrolled past.

Yet, the photo underneath it, seized him even more. It was a recent carousel post from Nina. He turned over, his gaze surveying the photo.

The first picture was one of her at a craft restaurant, beaming at the camera, her eyes squinted close. Nina was wearing a red spaghetti strapped top, and his eyes lingered on the exposed soft skin of her shoulders, her collarbone, before tugging his gaze back toward her smile.

Against his will, Seth’s heart began to bloom. He swiped on the photos. Nina had caught up with Veronica and Celine, it seems. His fingers hovered above the like button, and pressed it, before placing his phone against the bed.

Now, her smile was imprinted in his mind. Nina.

He wondered if she’d thought of him, over the past two weeks they hadn’t spoken. She must hate him now.

Must hate him all over again.

Ah, so history repeats itself.

How disappointed must she be, to realise that the dear friend she was making of an old crush, turned out to be the same asshole from high-school?

Shoving himself from his bed, Seth decided that a run around the neighbourhood would do him better than scrolling mindlessly on his phone.

The fresh air would clear his head.

His dad was in the living room, sleeping, while his mum was still at work. Carefully, he snuck out through the front door after slipping into his running shoes.

The afternoon was dipping into the evening, unveiling thick flares of reds, oranges and pinks across the dimming sky.

Seth loved this time of day most. The stillness. A momentary pause.

Against the dimming sky, and the blazing sun that dipped below the horizon in one last hurrah for the day, Seth could believe that all would be okay.

The sun would rise again, eventually.

He began his jog, starting at a steady pace, before quickening it once the footpath led him onto a grassed field just five minutes from his house.

There were others out as well - little kids walking alongside their parents, dogs running off leash across the wide field.

Seth anchored his pace into a fast-walk.

He gave himself the privilege of admiring the vermillion hues of the sunset, and inhaled the freshly chill night breeze. Soon, his chest constricted tightly, and took it as his sign to take a break.

Thankfully, there was a free park bench beside the field. Seth plopped himself atop the surface, leaning back. He swallowed air in large bouts, his chest rising. He closed his eyes for a moment, just to rest his eyes.

“Seth?”

He inhaled sharply, the sound of her voice setting off a wave of fireworks. He opened his eyes.

There she was.

Nina.

Standing before him.

Her face was bare, and half her hair was tied high. Her dog, a king-charles Cavalier, had his tongue out, panting in anticipation.

“Nina.”

He sat up quickly, his eyes trained on the cute Cavalier, grateful for its distraction.

“Cute dog,” he nodded toward the dog, a smile creeping onto his lips.

As if summoned by the compliment, the Cavalier jumped up onto its hind legs and placed its front two paws atop his knee. He patted it, chuckling at the pet’s enthusiasm.

“Thank you, his name is Spencer, you know, after -”

“Spencer Reid. Criminal Minds-” Seth finished, and the unspoken memory passed before the two of them. Nina’s eyes kept trained on him, and he dropped her gaze, falling on Spencer instead.

“It’s a cute name,” Seth continued. He continued to tickle Spencer behind his ear, and he wondered if he should feel guilty for using the dog as a shield.

“It is.”

Nina’s tone was laced with a conclusion that Seth hadn’t heard in years. It reminded him of their last few conversations together. Regret drifted over him like a storm cloud, and he lifted his head to meet her eyes.

Those round, earthy brown eyes of hers were staring at him with a veil that was almost cold. None of the sunlight he’d been used to in her gaze was reaching him.

Again, that twist in his stomach came. Yet, this time, it was worse.

While he’d been wallowing in his own self pity the past two weeks, he never once thought of how his actions may affect Nina. Nina, who, regardless of not returning his feelings, still felt some sort of care toward him, no matter how undeserving of it he was.

She still grew to care for him, as a friend. And now, because of his foolish selfishness, he had thrown it all away.

“Nina I’m - these past two weeks -”

“Yeah, I’ve missed our train rides in the morning,” she remarked, but her tone was light. Distant. “Where’d you disappear off to?”

Seth wanted to look away from her kind eyes, but he held her gaze.

“I just got busy,” he said, and she nodded, a hint of disappointment crossing her features for the briefest of seconds.. He stepped forward, closer to her. “But I’m sorry that I practically ghosted you. I don’t know how to manage my time after all.”

It was such a lame excuse, pathetic really. But Nina’s lips stretched into that understanding smile of hers.

“It’s okay, I understand, life can get like that. I hope everything is okay with you though, make sure you’re taking care of yourself too.”

It was clear: Nina had no interest in continuing the conversation. She began to turn away.

Panic struck Seth at that moment, struck him so blindingly like thunder.

He didn’t want to lose Nina. Even if he wasn’t hers in the way he selfishly wanted, it didn’t matter anymore.

Nina meant so much more to him than being a potential partner in his life. If keeping her in his life meant just being her friend, then so be it.

But if he didn’t mend his ignorance now, he would lose her. Lose her friendship.

It’s this thought that urged his fingers forward. He closed them around her wrist, and he spun her, softly.

“Wait - Nina -”

Spencer’s head turned between Nina and Seth, confused at what the next step for him was. Nina’s stare met his, perplexed.

“Why don’t I walk with you? And you can tell me everything you’ve been up to.”

“Seth -”

An uncertainty eclipsed over Nina’s expression. Seth swallowed, and held her stare.

“I’ve missed you so much. More than you can eve-” he exhaled slowly, because if he didn’t pause, he might just confess too much, “Please, tell me everything. I want to know it all.”

It was the truth, and Nina was certainly shocked by it. Her lips parted, before closing. Her face twitched in the slightest, as if trying to decide on what to feel. What to reveal.

Seth held her gaze, He wouldn’t look away this time.

That’s when her mouth curled into a small smile.

“Okay, I’ll let you walk with me. But you have to promise that after today, you’re not gonna like, block me for a year or something.”

Her tone was lighthearted, though something in her eyes betrayed a serious truth. Seth nodded, reigning a smile of his own.

“I promise.”

Seth continued down the pathway of the field beside Nina, as she began her recount of everything that had happened over the past couple of weeks.

Nothing drastic had changed, except that she enjoyed the latest episodes of the recent kdrama she started.

She also gushed about a couple of movies she rewatched. Nina mentioned nothing about Carlos.

Seth was curious, incredibly curious about him. He wanted to know more about her feelings, about how deep they ran. Whether it was a surface crush, or something more.

But, for now, Seth let himself bask in her company. He let himself enjoy what he’d foolishly denied himself of, because the absence of her hurt more than he’d ever known.