Page 26

Twenty-Four

We sat there. On the edge of my bed, in a long, drawn-out silence.

I watched Adam’s profile intently, afraid to move, speak in any way that might divert him in coming out with what troubled him.

His elbows rested on his thighs; he was absentmindedly fidgeting with his watchband as he stared down at the carpet.

“My mum’s sick, Ellie.”

“W-what?” I breathed, choked by the unexpectedness of his words, staring at him intently.

This couldn’t be it, surely not. I bit my lip, waiting for him to elaborate.

“She’s sick, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

” His voice was low, pained; I could feel my heart ache for him.

I didn’t know what to say. Unlike any situation we had faced in serious times there was no joke to lighten the mood, no words that I could possibly say to take away the anguish.

His face was like thunder, and I know he was trying so hard to keep it together, doing it for me, and because of that, despite the tears that threatened to build, I tried everything in my power to keep them at bay.

Be strong, Ellie, just listen.

My hand slid over his shoulder blade, urging him to go on if he wanted, but more silence fell.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to tell myself; somehow saying it out loud made it real.”

“How long have you known?”

“Just before you moved away.”

This is why he didn’t come to my farewell party.

Oh God; my mind flashed back to all the abusive text messages I had sent him, then only when he responded did I give him the silent treatment.

I shut my eyes, reeling in the horror of how much of a bitch I had been to him, Tess’s words echoing in my mind that I shouldn’t be so harsh on him—that I really needed to speak to him.

I could feel the tears well in my eyes. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but I knew he didn’t want pity of any kind.

I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and I wasn’t sure what to give.

I moved off the bed onto the floor; kneeling to face him I wrapped my arms around him, giving him the physical strength that my words couldn’t provide.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want to hold you back.”

I hugged him tighter, squeezing my eyes shut, causing the tears to spill down my cheeks. So much for keeping it together.

I pulled back, gripping his shoulders to look into his face. “Don’t ever keep things from me. You are not alone, Adam, not ever.”

I could feel my heart splintering at the thought that he had been keeping this, carrying it around.

I rested my arms across his legs, just like he had with me that day when he found me crying in the girls’ toilets at school, except this time with roles reversed.

Adam coolly, calmly told me about his mum: the X-rays, the shadow, the treatment, the fear, the uncertainty.

How it was to try to keep it together in front of his mum to make it easier for her.

How he and Chris had been at each other’s throats because they weren’t dealing with it, but never talked about what was going on.

Adam and Chris took it in turns to take her to treatments, because their dad needed to keep working.

That was his way of dealing. It horrified me to learn that Adam had been driving past my doorstep for weeks taking his mum to appointments.

“Had I known you could have come here and—”

Adam squeezed my hand. “It’s okay, Ellie.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not, I should have been there, you should have been able to count on me, to tell me what was going on. I can’t even imagine how you have been coping with all this.”

“Megsy’s been a real help.”

I tried not to let that hurt me, now was not the time to get jealous over Megsy, but Adam must have read it all over my face.

“Her mum went through the exact same thing a few years ago.”

“Oh,” I said lowly; it was all I could manage and luckily Adam filled the silence.

“Her mum knows all these natural remedies for nausea and Mum says they really help, so …” He broke away, as if his thoughts had been snared by something else.

I smiled, trying to reassure him. “Well, I will be eternally grateful to Megsy for looking out for you,” I said, and I meant it.

I had taken more comfort than I could realise that at least Tess and Megsy could be there when I wasn’t.

I held back more tears, feeling like an utter failure, cursing my timing that now of all times when Adam needed me the most, I hadn’t been there.

Adam reached out, catching a tear with his thumb, sliding the dampness across my cheek, preventing the fall.

“She’s not you though,” he said, looking down at me, his eyes lost in mine, and I knew in that instant that nothing could come between us, that what we had had all of our lives was a fortress, one that could battle the wildest storm fronts that life had to offer. That together we could face anything.

I grabbed his hand from my face, linking it with mine in my lap, and smiled. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Okay, tonight was about Adam. I might not be able to solve his problems in any way, but tonight, even if just this night, I could help him in some small way.

I may have been absent the last couple of months but now I was here, and I was going to morph into the Ellie of old, friend Ellie, because that was what he needed more than anything.

“All right,” I announced, unclipping all the menus from my fridge. “We have Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Greek. Take a pick.”

I slid the colourful selection over to Adam, who was sipping on a can of Pepsi Max he helped himself to from my fridge. “Cook much, huh?” A little smirk formed in the corner of his mouth and all I wanted to do was kiss that smart mouth.

NO, Ellie, focus.

“Says the boy who lives on counter meals.”

“Good point. Thai?”

“Thai, it is.”

After dinner Adam wanted to experience the largest shower in the southern hemisphere, which had me on movie duty.

I wanted Adam to relax, to somehow unwind and entrust that I could be there for him, even if only for a moment’s distraction from a painful reality.

I knew he wouldn’t forget but maybe just for a little while he could become lost in something else.

I dragged a heap of pillows out of my room, chucking them all around the floor at the base of the couch, knowing that our usual position would be on the floor, back resting against the couch with a throw rug over our knees, some popcorn and chocolate Maltesers within reaching distance on the coffee table.

The lounge room was plunged into darkness save for the light of the TV, and the delicate hall light that flooded through.

I lit a few tea candles dotted around my TV cabinet for ambience, because candles were relaxing, right?

Of course they were. I assumed the position, remote controls at the ready, with Adam’s favourite The Blues Brothers loaded and ready to go.

It felt like he was taking forever and I was becoming more fidgety with every minute that passed. I took in a deep breath.

Just relax, Ellie . It’s just a movie night, no big deal, we’ve had hundreds of them.

I settled into the little blanket and pillow nest covering my legs, folded my arms and waited; focusing on the distant flicker of candlelight seemed to help me relax, getting lost in the Zen of thinking about nothing other than the dancing flame.

It was only with the sound of the bathroom door closing did I jump back into my skin; blinking, I turned to see Adam entering the lounge in a fresh pair of jeans and blue Quicksilver T-shirt. Blue has always looked so good on him.

He turned off the hall light. “Wow, who said romance was dead?” Adam looked curiously at the twinkling tea candles and I could feel my cheeks flame. I had gone for the relaxing angle, not once thinking how else it would seem.

“Think of it more as a church confessional,” I said, trying to laugh it off.

“Ready for me to confess my sins?” he said, stepping over me and without missing a beat, sitting beside me on the lounge floor, punching and reorganising the pillows and blanket.

Adam smelt amazing, cool, crisp, and clean; I wanted to lean into it.

He settled beside me, lifting the blanket over his legs.

I tried not to openly stare at him; instead, I would catch glimpses of him next to me, frowning at the remote control in the dim light, trying to figure out which was play and which was pause.

He looked so adorable, the crinkle across his brow, his damp hair all messy from his shower.

God, I wanted to touch him, to reach out and run my fingers through his hair, to press my lips against the alcove of his neck.

Ellie, stop it!

So much for not thinking such thoughts tonight, but with Adam so close it was going to be impossible to keep my mind out of the gutter.

I tried my best to push my eyes forward and watch the movie and to block out Adam’s laughter, or his hand brushing against mine as we rummaged for popcorn, or his arm pressed up against mine.

At one point Adam hooked his leg over mine.

“Stop jigging your leg,” he said, leaving his leg in place.

I hadn’t even realised I had been fidgeting.

I didn’t complain, I simply sunk down deeper into my little cocoon, revelling in the comfort of Adam being by my side.

I felt safe, content, like I could do this every night of my life.

I tried not to think about the reality of what I wanted and what I could have.

My eyes were drooping, fighting to focus on the grand finale of the movie; instead, I let my head drift to rest on Adam’s shoulder.

Feeling the warmth under my cheek felt so right, and he shifted so I could get more comfortable leaning against him.

I didn’t stir until I felt the press of lips against my forehead when Adam spoke lowly.

“Ellie, bed.” Adam moved his shoulder slightly to stir me awake. So comfy, so cosy I had been; I never wanted to move. I twisted, and stretched with a pained moan.

“You coming?” I groaned the question, not thinking too much about it, until Adam hesitated his answer.

“Do you want me to?”

Did I want Adam Henderson in my bed? Hmmm?