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You never had me. Her retort replays in my head.

No calls. One text. A reply .

Oh fuck, how fucking pathetic… How fucking stupid!

I dismiss étienne’s call only for him to call back a second later.

“Go back to bed,” I say as I answer the call. “I’m fine.”

“I’m happy for you, but now I’m relegated to the couch with Elliot, so it’s your duty to entertain me with your failing love life.”

Asshole .

“So go on. How did you fuck up with this Courtney chick? Also, she’s not one of your bunnies, right?” He pauses to soothe Elliot with a melodic shush.

“They’re not bunnies, they’re birdies… and no, Courtney is definitely not a birdie.”

“Good. Are you in love with her? Is it serious?”

Shit. “How’s that the first fucking question you ask?” He’s so damn bullish all the time.

“That’s a yes. Okay, not gonna lie, I’m pissed you didn’t say shit last time I called. I wasn’t aware you were seeing anyone.”

Why in the fuck did I call this douch-canoe? He’s the worst. What is wrong with me?

“Wait,” he muses with a chuckle. “You are seeing each other, right? This isn’t some unrequited crush shit… right ?”

“No…fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know about any of this shit. How it works… how… fuck !” I push to my feet, placing Samson back on the couch.

“Okay, Deirdre, calm down. Answer me. Have you taken her on a date? Like bought her dinner?”

“I bought her dinner.”

“Was it a date, stupid?”

“No.”

“Fuck, okay… Have you held hands?”

“No.”

“Fuck me, this isn’t looking good.”

“We kissed,” I say desperately clinging on to any ray of hope I can.

“Oh, okay. Better. What kind of kiss was it?”

I shrug at the question. “A kiss. A fucking incredible kiss…” That I can still taste. That still gets me hard knowing what came after. How Courtney came after. All over my hand.

Etty chuckles. “You are totally in love with this chick. Have you done more than kiss?”

“Ummm… sort of?”

“Spare me the details. What base are we talking about? ”

“We sort of went from first to third. Skipped second?—”

“Wait, you went straight south? The fuck? Seriously? Do you watch porn? Like, dude, you can’t skip second base. It’s an important part of foreplay, dummy.”

Why did I do this to myself? Why did I call this dickhead? Cocky fucking shit.

“It’s complicated. Court was upset and I didn’t want to take advantage of her.”

“Oh. That’s sweet?—”

“Shut up. I know you’re laughing at me, but I… I… I let her take what she needed because I didn’t want to be an asshole, to fuck things up with her. But I did anyway.”

“First of all, you laughed at me when I told you I was going to marry Marley after our first date. So karma… but anyway, I still don’t see how you fucked up.”

“I didn’t tell her I live next door so now she thinks I’m a liar.”

“An omission is a lie, so she would be right.” There’s a pause before he asks, “I thought Hillier lived next door to you.”

“He moved and the franchise bought the apartment from him and then moved Courtney in. I just felt so bad after I hit her with the puck. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

I was meant to drive her home as an apology so Coach wouldn’t kill me and then I just couldn’t…

I couldn’t tell her so I pretended to show up every morning to take her to work and?—”

“Are you suicidal?” étty cuts me off, his voice strained as he keeps it down for Elliot.

“No. Of course not.”

“Why the fuck are you hitting third base with Bobby Nilsson’s daughter? He’s your fucking coach. That man has your whole damn career in his hands.”

The amount of times I’ve asked myself this question and only come up with one answer…

“Because Courtney’s incredible. She’s spunky and funny when I least expect it.

She’s not afraid to push back and I’m addicted to the way she smiles at me.

To the way she makes me feel like there’s a world outside of my world. ”

“Auguste, she’s your coach’s daughter.”

“Yeah, but she’s also her . This fucking beautiful woman that snorts when she laughs too hard and?—”

“Fuck, okay.” The grumble in his tone says it’s not okay, but he’s humoring me. “How are you going to win her over? ”

I close my eyes, feeling the weight of his question. The way it sits in my gut.

“I don’t know, étty. She called me a selfish liar. How do I come back from that?”

There’s a pause. Then he tells me, “Prove her wrong, Auguste. Show her that’s not who you are.”

“What if it is?”

“You didn’t tell her where you lived, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not like you’ve done some unforgivable, terrible thing.”

I stop mid pace, in front of the windows overlooking the ocean with the twinkling city scattered along it. “What if I have?”

The weight in my chest bears lower, pulling everything in it into my gut.

“What else did you do?” The caution in his voice says he’s going to lose it. But I need to figure all of this out before I make my next move. There’s no one in this world I trust more than étienne to have my back even when I fuck up.

“After I hit her with the puck, I was freaking out. A few of the guys were saying shit about how some dude was fine and then he was in ICU…”

“Okay…”

“Matheo said he left his doggie cams at his old place and I was only going to check on her once.”

“Tell me you have not been spying on her. Dis-moi que tu n'as pas été aussi stupide... reckless .”

“I can’t do that,” I admit.

“Fuck… fuck … does anyone else know? Cause this is a fucking crime. There are actual laws against that shit. You could go to fucking prison… Jesus !”

“No one knows, but now I don’t know what to do.”

“You fucking stop. The fact that you’ve done that makes me question your fucking character, man. What would you do if some asshole was spying on Sabine like that? Do you know how fucked up that is?”

“I needed to be close to her. To exist in her world.”

“It stops now. You don’t breathe a fucking word of it to anyone. Especially not the girl, because if she finds out, you’re fucking dead. You’re little Romeo ass will be fucking buried by Bobby Nilsson, and I’ll fucking help.” After a deep breath, he states, “éloigne-toi d'elle, Auguste.”

“I can’t walk away from her, étienne. ”

“Is she worth risking everything you have worked your whole life for?”

It’s a simple question and the answer is as staggeringly easy as it was when I gave it to Jayden earlier. “Yes.”

The silence that stretches is out of the ordinary for him.

“What do I do to fix this? I need Courtney in my life, étty. I need her in my world.” My heart is pounding somewhere between my chest and my gut. Hammering so hard I’m vibrating to it. “She told me to leave her alone and stay away, but I can’t.”

“Then own your shit. Take her anger. Suffer the consequences like a man. Show her you’re not just some asshole that did take advantage of her.

” The words are a sucker punch to my chest. Still, they’re true.

“Get to know her on her terms. Put in the time and the work to get to the best parts of her. That’s love, Auggie. ”

I don’t know how to answer.

But one thing’s clear—I’ve been doing this all wrong.

Now, it’s time to fix it.