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I never did see Melanie again, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

I had hoped to catch one more glimpse of her smile, maybe do something to make her blush or laugh again, if only to commit another moment to my memory, to add it to the short list of good things to ever happen in my life.

But it wasn’t in the cards, and that had to be fine.

She wasn’t mine to see or mine to want, but nothing could stop me from thinking about her, and I did.

I thought about her often.

I thought about Laura too. Of course I did. But she wasn’t mine either.

Nobody was.

And in some ways, that made my life easier.

I was free. Free to look at, think about, and touch other women … and that was exactly what I did.

As soon as I was deployed again, I hooked up with one of the women on base.

And I did it again with another, and another, and another, until sex was nothing more than a business transaction between colleagues.

No emotions. No jealousy. No petty moments of longing and attachment.

It was a means to an end, it was simple , and there was nothing more to it than that.

But at night, if I was given the opportunity to sleep between missions, I realized how utterly and painfully alone I was in this world full of people who seemed to all have someone. Everyone but me.

I had no obligations to anyone back at home.

Nobody relying on me. My sisters both had boyfriends.

Grace was with a guy I’d never met, named Tom.

Lucy was still with Ricky, and although I’d since made reluctant peace with their relationship, Ricky’s and my friendship had yet to fall back into what it used to be.

Occasionally, he’d write me a letter, or we’d exchange a few civil words whenever I called Lucy.

He’d give me the update on how things were with him, how he’d started community college, how he was working toward …

something, even if he didn’t know what. Once in a while, he’d throw in a little tidbit about Laura, if he had any to give, and although I insisted I didn’t care, we both knew I did.

And then I’d tell him I was doing fine, things were the same as they had been for years, and that would be the extent of it.

I supposed that maybe, one day, we could rebuild our friendship back to what it’d been before …

Or maybe not. Maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe we were better off, in the event he and Lucy broke up. That would make things awkward as hell, if I was once again best buds with the guy who had taken my little sister’s virginity and then broken her heart.

Honestly, in that case, I’d probably just kill him.

Then there were my parents, who seemed to care about me less at twenty-nine than they ever had before.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d truly spoken with my mother, let alone seen her, and my father only acknowledged me with a bitter chill if I ever bothered to stop by their house.

And why did I even bother to do so at all?

Why couldn’t I stop forcing myself into their domain?

I was like an addict, always looking for the next fix.

Except the fix in this situation was just a glimmer of approval from my father.

Anything to fill the void in my hollow chest.

But … no, I had nobody. I had nothing but meaningless sex, my friendship with Sid, and the loyalty of my squad. And maybe that would seem like a lot to someone who truly, truly had nothing , but I was, at the very root of my being, empty.

Now, sitting with his back against mine at our base, Sid glanced over his shoulder and asked, “Can I ask you a lame fuckin’ question?”

“I don’t want to answer lame fuckin’ questions,” I grumbled. “I want to try and sleep for a minute.”

“Come on, man. Just one question.”

I didn’t bother to stifle my groan. I didn’t have to with Sid. “Fucking hell. Fine. What’s up?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Christ.” I huffed a bitter laugh. We spent so much time with each other nowadays; it was like we could read each other’s mind. “I don’t know, Sid. Go to sleep … ”

“No, I’m being serious, man. I’m just … I’m just thinking, you know? We’re both pushin’ thirty here, right? No girlfriends, no wives, no kids. We’re free to do whatever the hell we want, with whoever … but is that really being free ? Like, what kind of fuckin’ life is that?”

Sid had a habit of getting philosophical with me whenever we were about to head out into the battle zone. Maybe it was his way of telling me that, deep down, beneath all the training and his tough-guy act, he was scared of what awaited us out there … but weren’t we all, to some degree?

I deflated with a rueful sigh. “I loved Laura,” I confessed with a heavy feeling in my chest, giving in to his chatter the way I always did.

“And …” My voice trailed off before I could say anything more, stopping myself before I could bring up that night in Connecticut so many years ago.

I’d never told anyone about dinner with Melanie, how she had made me feel, the connection we had. It didn’t seem smart to start now.

“ And ?” Sid teased, nudging his elbow against my back.

I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling and sighed, relenting easily. “Remember that time I fucked up my truck in Connecticut?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I met this woman …”

“Ooh, baby!” His voice rose excitedly, warranting a chorus of angry groans from the soldiers surrounding us. He snorted a sound that could only be described as a giggle. “So, what are we talking about here? One-night stand? Wildest night of passion you ever had? ”

I shook my head, frowning. “It wasn’t anything like that,” I whispered.

“We had dinner, and that was it. And I know all that love at first sight crap is bullshit, but there was something . There was … I don’t know.

I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I just …

I dunno …” I released a shaky breath, trying to push beyond the awkwardness of this conversation.

“I guess what I’m saying is, I knew we could’ve been something if we’d had the chance. ”

Sid was quiet for too long. My cheeks grew hot, and shame crept in. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure he hadn’t fallen asleep on me while thinking that would’ve been the best-case scenario.

“Wow,” he said finally, sarcasm in his voice. “I can’t wait to tell Lizzie that the Tin Man did get a heart from good ol’ Mr. Oz after all.”

“Oh, fuck off,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. “I dunno why I tell you anything.”

“No, no, no, come on. I’m sorry.” He leaned back to rest his head on my shoulder. “I’m just fucking with you, dude. No, seriously. I actually know what you mean.”

I turned in his direction and asked, “You do?”

“Yeah.” I heard him swallow. “I, uh … I really do actually.”

I thought he would continue, and I waited for whatever confession was coming.

But it didn’t. Before long, the telltale sound of him snoring rang in my ear, and I pushed the topic to the back of my mind.

Then I leaned back, rested my head against his, allowed Melanie’s face to fill my mind, and fell into a light, dreamless sleep.

** *

“Hey, Lizzie,” Sid hissed beneath the rumble of the truck’s engine. “Guess what Serg told me last night.”

I groaned from the front seat, shaking my head. “Corporal, there’s a time and place—”

“What did he say?” Lizzie asked, immediately intrigued.

“Remember when he broke down in Connecticut? When was that, Serg? A few years ago?”

The driver of our truck in the convoy glanced at me.

His name was Private Mike Swinson. He’d joined our platoon around the time that Lizzie had years ago, but my relationship with him had remained on a professional level.

The fact that Sid was bringing this up now, on our way to a mission and not in a more casual setting, left me bristled and irritated. He knew better.

“Corporal, I’m going to tell you—”

“Yeah, I remember,” Lizzie replied, ignoring my protests just as much as Sid was.

My nostrils flared as I rolled my eyes toward the passing buildings, running through the ways I could make them both regret this conversation later.

“Apparently, he met someone,” Sid said, his voice low and mischievous. “And he fell in love .”

Lizzie gasped. It sounded genuine. “Wait, you’re telling me the Tin Man has a heart after all?”

“And get this: he told me he loved Laura too.”

“Oh, please. We knew that already.”

Turning to look over my shoulder and into the back seat of the truck, I caught their grins as I stared both of them down angrily. At the sight of my disapproval, they clamped their mouths shut, looking like two little kids who’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t.

“Do I have to remind you both that we’re out here to work and not talk about this bullshit?”

Sid swallowed, an apology in his eyes. “No, Sergeant,” he replied, holding my gaze. “Sorry.”

Lizzie’s smile wilted, reminding me too much of the way my sisters would have moments of happiness before our father came home, only for that happiness to be wiped away with his arrival.

“Sorry,” she said.

I turned around without another word, feeling more like my dad than ever before—even if I was just doing my job.

I knew immediately what Sid had been trying to do. A day ago, intel had received a tip that there was a potential attack being planned outside our base. The fear, of course, was that enemy forces were attempting to close in on us.

That wasn’t going to happen though. Not if I had anything to do with it.

But Lizzie always spent those moments before a mission worrying.

She was always afraid, even if she didn’t verbalize those fears.

We—Sid and I—had learned to read her tells.

The way she bit her tongue. The way she chewed her lip.

He must’ve seen something while sitting beside her that I hadn’t, and he was taking her mind off of it with a distraction … and I had ruined it.

There’s a time and place , I reminded myself.