Page 66

Sophie

Tom and Mrs B are further down the corridor on their phones. I have just minutes to convince Wren to see Adam and kiss him goodbye.

I sit next to her. ‘Why don’t we pop in and see your dad quickly? You can tell him you love him. It will be two minutes tops.’

She shakes her head vigorously. ‘I can’t. I’m scared!’

‘I’ll be with you, I promise. It won’t be frightening. The nurses and doctors are kind and they’re trying to help him.’

‘They can’t! He won’t get better because of me. I did this to him.’ She bursts into tears, covering her face.

‘No!’ I pull her towards me. ‘This was an accident. You mustn’t blame yourself.’

‘If I hadn’t gone to the beach, this wouldn’t have happened!’

I push a stray tendril of hair from her face. ‘Your dad could have been hit by lightning when we left the party or outside your grandma’s house. This isn’t your fault, I promise.’

‘Yes, it is!’ she splutters. ‘I killed Mummy and now I’ve killed Daddy.’

I stare at her, confused. ‘That’s not true, Wren. Why would you think that?’

Thick tears spill down her cheeks. ‘I can’t tell you. You’ll hate me.’

‘Never! You can tell me anything.’

‘Do you promise on my Moby dip?’

She holds up her wrist, pointing to the bracelet. Memories swirl around my head. Lily called the Mobius strip a Moby-Dick that day on the beach.

‘Daddy said this squiggly shape means something is never over, like his and Mummy’s love for me. But I think I broke their circles.’ Her voice shakes.

‘You haven’t,’ I say quietly, picking up my own pendant. ‘I swear on this Mobius strip that I won’t hate you. I couldn’t – that’s a mathematical impossibility.’

She smiles through her tears. ‘That’s the sort of thing Daddy would say!’

‘Tell me,’ I urge, lacing my fingers between hers.

Her chest heaves. ‘When Mummy was poorly, I got cross because she couldn’t go to the park or swimming lessons.

She couldn’t walk me to school or come to play dates and read me stories at bedtime.

’ She takes another breath. ‘I didn’t see her because she spent so much time in bed and that made me sad and angry. ’

I nod, squeezing her hand. ‘It was a big change in your life, and it was hard to cope with. You wanted everything to go back to normal and for her to be well.’

‘But I was mean! I lost my temper when she was too tired to take me to a birthday party. I told her I hated her and wished she was dead already.’ Her voice rises in volume as she wipes her face with the cuff of her sweatshirt.

‘I never meant it, I swear! I said sorry straightaway, and Mummy kissed me. She said it was okay, but it wasn’t. ’

‘Your mum knew you didn’t mean it. She forgave you because she loved you, always , like the pattern in your bracelet and my necklace.’

‘But I couldn’t take it back! She died because of me, because of my bad wish.’

‘No,’ I whisper into her hair, as her body is racked with more juddering sobs. ‘It had nothing to do with what you said.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m 100 per cent positive.’

‘That’s another Daddy phrase!’

‘I know. I learned it from him.’

‘I did another bad thing,’ she whispers. ‘I was angry at Daddy. I thought he’d forgotten Mummy and didn’t care that I want to remember her. I told him I wished he was dead instead of her. I didn’t mean that either.’

‘He forgave you.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘He loves you unconditionally – that means his feelings for you don’t change even when you fall out.’

She gives me a shy smile. ‘Is that how you love Daddy?’

‘Yes,’ I admit. ‘I’ve always loved him, ever since we were at school.’

‘Daddy said the same.’ Wren points to the engagement ring that’s slipping down my finger. ‘Did he give you that?’

‘You’re observant! Yes, he asked me to marry him shortly before the accident.’ I hesitate. ‘How do you feel about that?’

‘I like it, like you .’

‘I like you too, Wren. Very much.’ My voice wavers with emotion. ‘I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Nothing will change that. Ever. I promise.’

I want to be a part of Wren’s future even without Adam – if Mrs B will let me. She throws her arms around my waist, hugging me. I kiss the top of her head and squeeze my eyes shut to prevent tears from falling.

‘How about we both tell your dad we love him?’

She slides off the seat. ‘Okey-dokey. But I’m going to stop making wishes because they give me a tummy ache.’

‘Good idea.’

‘I’m going to start believing in maths, the way Daddy does. He says it explains everything in the world.’

I clear the lump in my throat. ‘He’ll be proud of you.’

She flashes me a small smile and takes my hand.

After washing our hands with sanitiser, I press the button and push open the door to ICU.

It’s frighteningly familiar. Hazy figures spring up: there are 10 beds, and 7 members of staff.

More appear. I clasp Wren’s hand tighter as my heart beats faster and faster.

A nurse approaches and I explain Wren urgently needs to see her dad. She leads us to Adam’s bed. He’s bare-chested and pale-faced, and has tubes coming out of his head, mouth and chest. His number is still 1.

I stare at the clock, squinting to read the time. It’s 11.51 p.m.

‘What’s that?’ Wren asks, pointing at the equipment.

‘This monitor is checking your daddy’s heart is pumping normally,’ the nurse explains. ‘Can you see the numbers? It’s a good pattern. Don’t be afraid. You can talk to him and hold his hand if you want.’

Wren walks up to his bedside and kisses his cheek.

‘I love you, Daddy. Sophie loves you too. We’re going to be a family. I’m so excited I could go pop, pop, pop!’

She strokes his face and whispers in his ear.

‘Is there any change in his condition?’ I quietly ask the nurse.

‘He’s stable for now – he’s incredibly lucky a defibrillator was close at hand. We’ll continue to do everything we can for him, but the next twenty-four hours will be crucial. Just a couple more minutes, okay?’

I nod, trying to read the clock face. ‘Do you have the time?’

‘It’s 11.53. I need to check on another patient, but I’ll be back soon.’

I return to Wren’s side.

‘Is Daddy going to wake up? Did telling him we love him work?’ Her voice is full of hope.

‘Let’s see.’

I take Adam’s hand, praying for a miracle. It’s warm, soft and has 34 muscles, 27 bones and millions of capillaries. My fingers lightly brush against his tattoo before landing on his pulse. I’m counting the beats, attempting to ignore the erratic rhythm.

I imagine an infinite number of cells within his body, which are constantly increasing and growing stronger instead of slowly withering and dying. They want to form new patterns, refusing to give up hope. They’re desperate to curve into a strip that bends to meet its opposite end, going on forever.

‘He’s fighting his hardest to come back to us,’ I say honestly. ‘He wants to open his eyes and talk. He wants to say he loves us both.’

‘How can you tell?’

‘Feel here.’ I take her hand and press her fingers on his wrist. ‘I’m counting the number of beats in fifteen seconds and multiplying by four.’

I blink as his heart rate soars above 100 beats per minute, then 120, 125. The monitor beeps in warning accordingly.

The nurse returns. ‘Can I show you out, please?’

This is it. Adam is dying and no one can save him, least of all me.

Wren can’t be here for his final minutes. I need her to hang on to this memory of her dad, looking as if he’s sleeping peacefully.

‘We have to say goodbye, Wren.’

She leans over and whispers in his ear. ‘I love you, Da-Daddy. See you pop, pop-popping soon!’

Wren mustn’t stay for this, but I can’t let Adam die alone.

‘Go out to Grandma and I’ll be right behind you,’ I tell her, my voice cracking. ‘I need another minute or two.’

‘No longer,’ the nurse says.

I nod and Wren takes one long final look before being led away. When the door closes behind them, I kiss Adam on the forehead. Then I bring his wrist to my lips, gently kissing his Mobius strip tattoo.

‘I’m here,’ I tell him as the clock counts down.

‘Wren’s gone and it’s just you and me. I thought I could save you, Adam, but you saved me.

You don’t have to hold on any longer. Wren has your mum and me.

I promise I’ll help look after her. You can stop being in pain.

You can be at peace.’ My final words almost break me. ‘It’s okay to let go.’

I cover his hand with mine, my head resting next to his on the pillow. His heart rate surges.

An alarm screeches from the monitor and the crash team runs towards his bed.

I squeeze my eyes shut.

I don’t want to see his number return to 0.

‘I’ll love you until the day I die,’ I whisper. ‘This will never be the end. We’ll see each other again one day. We’ll always find our way back to each other, however long it takes.’