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Sophie

I’m ignoring his digit and my tiredness from sewing late into the night.

I’m following Walter’s advice and collecting these small moments instead: Adam laughing when Wren and I beat him in a bike race earlier, how he looks like he’s melting inside when he stares at me and the feeling when he touches my arm or the small of my back, almost without thinking, as if the need to stay connected is intuitive.

And his ‘famous’ hugs. I love these most of all.

We’re sitting on a mat on Bigbury beach, sheltering against the wind in a small cove, munching cheese sandwiches and Eccles cakes that Wren and Adam made last night.

Adam had suggested taking the food back to his mum’s house, but I want, need , this: our last picnic before the heavy rain that’s forecast tomorrow.

‘That rock looks like Da-Adam’s nose,’ Wren observes, munching on her pastry. ‘It’s crooked and has a dent in it.’

She points to the distinctively jagged cliff face.

‘Harsh, but true!’ Adam remarks.

We all laugh.

‘It’s not so bad when you think about it,’ he adds. ‘These rocks have weathered storms for millions of years, but they’re still here. They’ve survived against the odds.’

It takes all my strength not to flinch. Instead, I reach over and brush away the crumb from the corner of his mouth. He flashes me a smile that makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I file that away in my mind too.

‘Can I look for seashells?’ Wren scrambles to her feet and picks up a bucket and spade, the wind buffeting her pink anorak.

‘Hmmm. Sure, but don’t go far,’ Adam replies. ‘Fasten your coat and keep in sight.’

‘Okey-dokey, Da-Adam!’

She walks away, head down, her coat billowing, and snatches up her first find. I shuffle closer, leaning my head against Adam’s shoulder.

‘Cold?’ he asks, rubbing my arms. ‘I can warm you up.’

‘Later,’ I say teasingly.

I watch as Wren turns around, grinning, and produces another seashell for us to admire. Her expression doesn’t change when she sees how close we’re sitting.

‘Lovely, Da-Wren!’ Adam shouts. ‘Find more for us.’

‘Why do you call each other that? She always calls you Da-Adam.’

‘It’s one of our in-jokes. She started to say “Daddy” but stopped herself, changing it to “Adam”. I guess she’s halfway to thinking of me in that way.’

‘She looks more than halfway there! Has she said she loves you back when you say it to her?’

Adam shakes his head, staring after Wren. I study him, but he avoids my gaze.

‘But you’ve told her, haven’t you? Lots of times?’

‘Not as such... It feels like such a momentous... meaningful expression. It needs to be said at the right time, when everything’s perfect.’

‘No, it doesn’t! It never has to be a grand gesture that you shout from the clifftops. It’s something you tell the people you love all the time . Every single day.’

I shift my position to scrutinise him properly. He looks startled and I soften my tone. ‘What’s stopping you from telling her? What are you afraid of?’

‘Erm, that she won’t want to hear it... That I’ll drive her away by not saying it right. We’re in a good place and I don’t want to ruin it by telling her something she doesn’t want to hear.’

‘Of course you won’t ruin it – and she does want to hear it. Every daughter or son does.’ I thread my fingers through the hair curling at the nape of his neck. ‘You can make your relationship even better if you explain how you feel about her.’

‘I will. I promise.’

He goes to kiss me, but I pull away.

‘Do it soon, Adam. Don’t leave it unsaid. It’s too important. You’re showing Wren how much you love her by everything you do, but she needs to hear it said out loud – the way you desperately wanted to hear those three words from your dad.’

He glances quickly at Wren, who’s crouching down and digging with her spade.

‘I know, and there’s something I want you to hear while we’re alone.’ He takes a breath. ‘It’s about Stanford.’

I shake my head. ‘We don’t have to do this now. It doesn’t matter.’

‘Yes, it does! I want you to know I’m not procrastinating, as usual. I’ve made my decision. I can’t go back to the US. It would kill me to take up the research position.’

I frown, thinking I’ve misheard him in the wind.

‘Kill you?’

‘I believed a career at Stanford was what I wanted... what I should want... but I was doing it for my dad, not myself. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be me because I lost myself when I lost you.

Part of the loop that makes me whole was gone and nothing came together right.

I never got that happiness back because.

.. well, something, someone , important was missing from my life. ’

He takes my hand and presses it to his lips. ‘I’ve felt dead inside for so long, Sophie, but you make me feel alive. I don’t want to lose that feeling by doing something that will make us all unhappy. I choose happiness. I choose life. I choose you and Wren.’