Page 15

Chapter 15

Lost

P haris—a few minutes earlier

If the palace blacksmith could see me now, he’d have a fit.

No doubt this activity was hell on my blade, but I had to do something .

My insides were so turbulent and charged it felt as if my body would fly apart like the trees exploding under my sword.

It wasn’t what Raewyn said that upset me—I knew she was speaking from grief. I’d been there. And I was a monster, though not in the way she’d meant it.

No, my current turmoil wasn’t a result of hurt feelings but of too much feeling altogether.

Seeing her cry like that had done something to me.

I’d felt so helpless. I’d never been the guy people turned to when they were looking for softness and sympathy.

In fact, as Raewyn fell apart in my arms, I’d realized it was the first time in my life a woman had entrusted me with her naked pain.

That had caused all sorts of troubling emotions to bubble up past my internal barriers—they were still surfacing.

Which was why I was clear-cutting this patch of wilderness as if my life depended on it.

Raewyn’s breakdown had not only surprised me, it had literally hurt me. I felt her pain.

The matchmaker’s glamour hadn’t warned me about that .

And then when she’d clung to me and let herself go completely…

The poor saplings still standing within reach separated from their lower trunks with a crack and a shower of wood chips.

A sound from behind me broke through the mental and emotional firestorm. I spun, holding the sword out in front of me on instinct.

When I saw Raewyn, I dropped it immediately to my side.

Looking shy and uncertain, she approached me.

“Pharis, I—”

I cut her off, my apology demanding immediate expression.

“I’m sorry for what I said. It was cruel and inappropriate. And perhaps… perhaps your father’s condition will take a turn.”

It wasn’t true, but maybe futile hope was better than none at all.

Raewyn shook her head. “No, I apologize. I didn’t mean what I said about wanting you to leave… and the, uh, monster thing. You’re right. I need to start facing the fact that he is in his final days.”

She blinked and looked away, her face deepening in color. I had to fight the urge to pull her against me again.

“He can’t keep going like this.” Her mournful eyes beseeched me. “I was wondering… that is, I wanted to ask you… could we perhaps make camp here for a while and… let him die in peace?”

She swallowed hard, appearing nauseated by the words. “Instead of jolting along on a horse, which must make the pain even worse.”

“Of course,” I said immediately. My hands cupped her shoulders. “We can stay here for a few days, and let everyone… rest. It’s an excellent idea.”

Raewyn’s big, sad eyes were filled with gratitude.

“Thank you, Pharis.”

The sound of my name on her lips sent shivers down my back and through my legs.

“The girls and I will begin foraging,” she said. “I know the raff is running low.”

“Yes, good. I’ll hunt for some meat.”

I gestured around at the mountain valley. “This area is very remote, far from any roads, but stay close, okay? Don’t wander too far.”

“We won’t.” She gave me a small smile. “You be careful, too.”

Raewyn turned to go, but I stopped her.

“Rae…”

She turned back to me, her face expectant.

“Is it true what you said… that you never cry?”

She gave me a nod. “It’s true. Well, a bit more lately I suppose.”

“Same here,” I said. “I haven’t cried since losing my mother. But I thought girls cried all the time.”

Now Raewyn gave me a smile, and it was like the sun bursting through storm clouds.

“I’m not like most girls.”

No. She. Was. Not.

And I was in so much trouble.

Thankfully the little valley was teaming with small game, and I managed to find a bounty to feed us without leaving the others for very long.

I hated leaving them at all, but we had to eat. And as I’d told Raewyn, this area really was off the beaten path—we hadn’t seen or heard another soul in at least a week. I’d stayed within hearing distance of them while hunting anyway.

Wyll would ingest nothing but a little saol water, but Raewyn and the girls ate heartily.

As I watched them enjoying their meals, a troubling new thought occurred to me. What were they going to do for food after I left them in Sundaris?

Naturally, I’d leave them with plenty of money, but they’d purposely be settling in a place far from any busy marketplaces or waystations that might draw travelers on their way to and from the royal city.

Gardens took a while to root and grow. Whatever meat I could hunt and preserve for them would only last for so long.

Their father would surely be dead before we reached our destination, and it would be just Raewyn and the two small girls.

It didn’t feel right to just… leave them.

The next day while Wyll was napping and the girls were reading the books they’d each brought along, I made an announcement to Raewyn.

“I’m going to teach you to hunt.”

“With a bow?” she asked, sounding far more excited than I’d expected her to be.

“Yes, but we’ll start with some knife skills. Do you know how to use a blade?”

“To peel potatoes and carrots,” she said with a smile.

“I guess that’s a start. At least you know which is the business end.”

Drawing both my daggers from my belt, I offered her one by the handle.

“Take this and start to get a feel for it. A knife this size is good for hunting and also for self-defense.”

“Self defense,” she repeated.

“I won’t be around to carry you forever,” I said with a wink. “Let’s practice throwing it.”

We walked a short distance away so we could see the others but our conversation wouldn’t disturb Wyll’s rest.

I showed her how to hold the knife for throwing and pointed at a wide tree trunk about ten feet away, a good beginning distance.

“Think you can hit that?”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s the size of a house.”

Raewyn tossed the dagger—and missed the tree entirely. The tip did lodge into an even larger tree trunk off to the right of the target.

“Excellent,” I said. “If you were aiming at a tightly packed herd of elk, you and the girls would be eating well. Anything smaller, however…”

She held out her arm toward me, hand palm up and fingers wiggling. “Give me the other. I can do better than that.”

I placed the knife in her hand and watched as she positioned it the way I’d shown her. This time when she threw it, it hit the tree, but with the handle instead of the blade.

Raewyn made a frustrated noise and stamped her foot.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the display of temper. “Better. Good aim—you hit your target. Next time, just try to hit it with the pointy end.”

Raewyn narrowed her eyes at me then stomped across the clearing to retrieve the daggers and go again.

Over the next hour, she practiced tirelessly and improved an impressive amount, hitting the tree nearly every time with the blade.

“That’s enough of that for today,” I said. “Let’s work on self-defense.”

“Couldn’t I throw the knife at someone like you did at the mountain lion?” she asked.

“You could… unless he’s right on you.”

Using my inborn speed, I ran up to her, stopping just before my chest contacted her nose. To her, it must have looked like a blur.

“What are you going to do now, Wildcat?” I asked in a low voice.

She looked up at me then over at the tree where both daggers were still embedded.

“I see what you mean.”

“Right.” I chuckled and went to get the knives, bringing one back to her and tucking the other into its sheath at my belt.

I didn’t want to take any risks in case she made an awkward move—which she most likely would—and I wouldn’t cut her if my life depended on it.

Crouching in a fighting stance, I said, “Now show me your form. How would you use that weapon if someone larger and stronger were right in front of you, coming at you?”

“Larger doesn’t always equal stronger, you know,” she said as we circled each other slowly. “Some of us have hidden strength.”

She didn’t have to tell me that. Raewyn was turning out to have a sort of power over me I’d never experienced before.

My response was a simple hand gesture, beckoning her forward with a dare you grin on my face.

Raewyn’s face crinkled in worry. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m a powerful Elven warrior,” I teased. “A scrawny little human like you could never hurt me.”

Except to break my heart .

It was still feeling pretty fragile after seeing her cry and feeling her fall apart in my arms.

But my taunt provoked her as planned, and Raewyn made her move.

She lunged forward, knife extended, which threw her off balance. I simply tapped her on the back, and she went down with an oof sound.

“Are you alright?” Hopefully the fall hadn’t knocked the wind out of her.

Raewyn rolled over and got to her feet, crouching now in the way I was to lower her center of gravity. Her face was red.

“Good,” I murmured. “You’re learning.”

She wore a look of fierce determination as we began to circle again.

I loved it. I wanted to see some fire in her. If I thought she was helpless, I wasn’t going to be able to leave her alone with two little girls.

Maybe teaching her these skills would make leaving easier when the time came.

Right. Keep dreaming there, friend.

This time when Raewyn jabbed, she was much steadier—and more accurate. I had to leap out of the way to avoid getting sliced.

I laughed out loud. “You are a fast learner.”

But she was already coming at me again. It was time to teach her how a real opponent would react.

When she advanced and attempted a strike, I grabbed the wrist of her knife hand, immobilizing it. She dropped the weapon.

As far as I was concerned, the fight was over, but Raewyn surprised me by sweeping out her right foot and kicking the back of my left ankle. I went down on my back, and she pounced on top of me like the wildcat I sometimes accused her of being.

I couldn’t have been more shocked—or more pleased—by her level of determination to win.

This was the kind of fighting spirit she’d need to survive alone in the world with two small girls in her care.

Meaning to continue the lesson, I rolled her off of me, but Raewyn clung on, using my own momentum and body weight to leverage me all the way over her and onto the ground on the other side.

Once again, she climbed on top, a triumphant smile on her face.

She was breathing hard, sitting astride my body like a conquering hero… completely unaware, I assumed, of her provocative position.

With one leg on either side of my hips, Raewyn and I were perfectly aligned, and my body was all too happy to make the shift from combat to other physical activities.

“Did I win?” she asked between breaths.

Clearly she had no idea what she was doing to me.

“Did you?” I asked, my voice sounding strained. “You’re on top… but what are you going to do now , Wildcat? Your opponent is still alive, and you’re unarmed.”

In one swift move, I flipped our positions, pinning Raewyn beneath me. And now I had to ask myself the same question.

What was I going to do?

Our bodies were still aligned, my much larger and heavier one pressing hers into the grass. And though I knew I should move, I seemed to be paralyzed.

Our sparring had apparently taken the lid off the simmering tension that was always present between us—at least on my part.

The charged energy was flowing freely now, threatening to overthrow my famous self-control.

For long moments we just lay there, breathing hard, face to face. Raewyn’s cheeks were flushed, and her pupils were dilated, making her rich brown eyes appear even deeper in color.

My skin tingled all over, while other parts of me that had been too long neglected rejoiced.

Stand down big fella , I tried to tell myself. There is nothing happening here.

My body didn’t listen, preparing itself to make good on the salacious thoughts I regularly had about Raewyn.

Some of them hadn’t been too far from this, me on top of her, Raewyn looking up at me with that expression that was halfway between shock and desire.

Her mouth was slightly open. Those lips I noticed far too often were a darker pink than her cheeks, and it was a physical strain not to lower my head and crush my own mouth to them.

I should move. I have to get up.

And still I stayed, locked in a trance of some sort as we held each other’s gazes and I soaked up the kind of closeness we only shared in my frequent dreams of Raewyn.

That was all they could ever be—dreams. I knew that, and yet…

She loves your brother, idiot. You’re going to be leaving her soon.

Get. Up.

Finally summoning the strength, I pressed my palms into the ground and began to raise myself, but Raewyn’s hands came to my sides and held me in place.

“Wait,” she said in a breathless voice that almost broke me.

Beneath me, I felt her move, felt her lift her pelvis to rub—

“Look,” a little voice cried in glee. “Raewyn and Pharis are wrestling!”

Shaded stars —I’d forgotten all about the children nearby.

Spurred into instant action, I rolled off of Raewyn and several feet away.

“Raewyn, you losed,” Turi said, running up to her.

“Lost,” Tindra corrected. “She lost.”

No, I was the one who was lost. Lying with Raewyn like that, I had completely forgotten my surroundings, my circumstances, all the rules I’d put in place for myself concerning her after the cave experience.

In a few short minutes, she had completely undone the self-mastery I’d worked to perfect nearly all my life.

Suddenly, I felt sick, and it had nothing to do with the self-loathing that came along with my rampant forbidden attraction to my brother’s love.

Something was very wrong with me physically.

Pushing to a sitting position, I looked around and realized why.

I was surrounded by fireweed.