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“Surely, you asked her to date you for real instead because the thought of her being with anyone else kills you? Because you’re not afraid of your feelings and you’ve learned fromCash and Mollie that putting yourself out there is worth the risk? But really, because pretending to date someone is the dumbest shit ever?”

“Like I don’t know that.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know how stupid that sounds, Sawyer, trust me. But I guess…” I squint up at the sky.I’m scared that losing someone again will do me in.“I was in such a dark place for so long after Mom and Dad died. I hid it well?—”

“But I knew.” Sawyer swallows. “We all did.”

“So, yeah, needless to say, I lost my nerve today with Sally. I don’t want to go back there. To the darkness. If things don’t work out, or she leaves…”

Sawyer peers at me. “Isn’t your nickname for her ‘Sunshine’?”

I scoff. “Ha. Hadn’t thought of that.”

“Move toward the light, brother. That’s all I’m sayin’.”

I cut him a look.

“Oh, you got it bad, boy,” he says with a smile. “Lord save us.”

“I’m beyond saving at this point, I think.”

“Stop that shit. You actually cornered yourself into a nice opportunity here, Wy. Obviously, you can’t let Sally get it on with randos. But you can encourage her to get it on with you.”

“Because that won’t fuck up our friendship or anything.”

“That ship sailed years ago. You don’t wanna ‘be friends’”—he uses air quotes—“with Sally. You’re worried you’ll lose her if you tell her how you feel, but what do you think is gonna happen anyway if you don’t say anything and she goes back to New York? She’s gonna meet someone. Y’all will still be friends, but you ain’t gonna see her but once or twice a year when she comes back to visit her parents. And don’t think that guy of hers will like you calling or texting her the way you do now. Either way, Wy, you risk losingyour friendship, and that will definitely send you back into the darkness. But if you’re honest with her, then you have the chance to be with her how you really wanna be with her.”

“I fucking detest you, you know that?”

Sawyer just smiles. “It’s annoying when someone’s right all the time, isn’t it? All I’m saying is, you wanna be a good friend to Sally? Give her what she’s looking for.You. Not some drunk guy at a bar. Not some asshole from New York.” He claps a hand on my shoulder. “I know you think you can’t be good to her. But you can. You’ve got a big heart, brother. Share that motherfucker with someone already.”

I wipe my eyes, wincing at the way the acrid smell of the cigarette lingers on my fingers. Sawyer has a point. I just wish I knewhowto share my heart. How to open up, despite the very real possibility that I’ll get destroyed in the process.

Really, how do people risk so much with so little certainty of success?

Baby steps. The voice in my head that says that isn’t mine. Well, it is, but it rings with a certainty—a sense of wisdom—I don’t possess.

WhatifI dip my toe in the water of vulnerability and see what happens? Maybe I don’t tell Sally how I feel right off the bat. Maybe I never do.

I have to start somewhere though. Fill the hole inside me by spending time with the person I love most and opening up to her as best as I can.

If I ever want to be happy, I have to at least try to change. Because I think part of me is still stuck in the dark, and will be as long as I keep wearing this damn mask all the time.

I’m just buzzed enough from my cigarette and the cocktails I had to ask my brother, “You got a blazer I could borrow? A suit maybe? Something a little dressy?”

If you had asked me a month ago if I’d be excited to go to this fucking potluck thing, I would’ve laughed in your face.But now I can’t wait. Hell, I think I might even donate a poker lesson to be auctioned off, hosted by yours truly.

I also make a mental note to send a keg or two to the event’s organizers. I’m no cook, but I’m happy to provide adult beverages.

Sawyer grins. “I got a suit. Just promise me you won’t get any bodily fluids on it, all right?”

CHAPTER 8

Sally

MARLBORO MAN