Page 47

So much had changed since then.

In the past days, I did the only thing I was good at: hunt. I walked the snowy forest every day so that Father got to sleep full-bellied every night. Beef stewed in fermented cabbage, pheasant roasted in cherry oak, a whole wild hog leg cooked with the eggplant and potatoes that Lu-magave me in exchange for the other leg.

We didn’t let the unused meat go to waste, either selling it to thevillagers who were desperate for even a single bite after a long winter, or smoking it to keep for the following wintery months.

In this village far from the bustling markets of walled cities, fresh meat made even the coldest of neighbors open their arms to us.

On the last day of the year, we ate braised ribs and toasted my nineteenth birthday with the rice wine I got from Luyao, the cowherd. Luyao also gave me a bag of jujube seeds, which I ground into powder and poured into the cabbage-and-boar filling of our dumplings.

It was not only tradition to eat dumplings on New Year’s, but a tradition to eat them before a big departure.???????.Begin the journey with dumplings, and end it with noodles.In case anything happened on the journey, at least our last meal would have been a good one.

I also poured a little of the jujube powder into the rice wine. Then I filled my bowl with leftover braised pork and rice instead of wine and dumplings.

Even Mother, who’d drunk only one small cup, was falling asleep at the table before the midnight hour.

Once all three of them were lulled to sleep by the jujube seed, I helped them to their beds before taking our ancestral blade and the conscription scroll from Father’s bedside, then left a letter of apology in their place.

I was the reason we were here, the reason Lan Yexue was still alive. Perhaps even the reason he had waged this war. If anyone should go tobattle, it was me.

“Take care of Mother and Father when I’m gone,” I whispered to Fangyun, before placing a kiss on her cheek the way she used to kiss me goodbye.

I left the house just as a strike of lightning flashed across the sky, along with the fireworks that marked midnight.

27

I arrived at camp just two days before deadline. Most recruits must have stayed home for one last New Year’s meal, because camp was quieter than I’d imagined.

That, or there were more deserters than enlistments—voluntary and forced.

The camp was a stronghold of towers and long fields of tents and barracks, enclosed by enormous fences that reminded me of a cage. My stomach turned.

Absentmindedly, I touched my old hunting bow, bought from the village butcher a year ago, right before I set out to find the stargazer. I nodded greetings to the soldiers standing guard when I approached the imposing gates and offered up my conscription scroll.

“Li Hude?” the soldier asked.

??, Lifeng, was a double-charactered surname, too uncommon to be kept after our exile. It was also not our real surname, but one given to us by the emperor. A signifier of his faith in my prophecy. Liwas my family’s ancestral name, the name we reclaimed after we left the capital.

“Li Fei,” I replied. “His son.”

The soldier smiled and patted me on the back. “A lot of sons are signing up in place of their fathers. Our country will remember your courage.”

“Thank you.” I touched the silk headband that covered my phoenix’s mark. Half to make sure it was secure, and half for comfort.

Though I had practice disguising myself as a man during my travels, I had never lived with so many men in close quarters for more than a night or two. Women were not allowed in the army. To be found would mean a certain death.

I wasn’t ready to forfeit my life just yet. Though as I walked through camp, I feared I might have bitten off more than I could chew.

Training hadn’t even begun, yet most of the men were already covered in dirt. And oh,skies,the smell.

If you want to live among clean servant girls and polite eunuchs who only flash gentle smiles and speak with respectful tones, then you should have stayed in that gilded cage,I had to remind myself over and over again on the road.

Palace etiquette was drilled into my head, and it was difficult, adapting to how normal people lived. For not everyone had to grow up bearing the unfathomable weight of an entire empire’s expectations.

I was assigned to the Fourth Company of the Third Battalion. By the time I found our campsite, there was just one corner bed left in the bunks. I quickly claimed it by setting my bag down. The tent was abuzz with sounds. Some men were sitting around the table at the center of the room playing cards and dice, some were introducing themselves,while others were making themselves at home. Next to me, someone was shaving his dirty and overgrown toenails with a knife, leaving clippings all over the bed.

I nearly gagged.

Hygiene!I heard the furious voices of palace nannies.