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25

We ate dinner by candlelight. The four of us around a single table, something that had not happened for too long. The room was warm with crackling firewood and the aroma of pork andrice.

“Here, Fei,” Mother said as she placed the biggest piece of meat into my bowl. “You must not have eaten well while you were away. You’ve lost so much weight. Why travel and hunt when you can be here with Ma, and eat my good food?”

I blinked back the tears. “Thank you, Mama,” I said, then fell back into silence. Leaving the palace didn’t change my inability to converse with my parents. Perhaps it was the years we’d spent apart; the chasm between us seemed as wide as ever. I didn’t know what to say to them, and they didn’t know what to say to me.

We had finished dinner by the time I found the courage to bring up the ghost in the room, the conscription scroll that Father had tucked away.

“I can’t let you go, Father.”

“It’s the law, child,” he repeated.

“You’ve given enough of yourself to Rong,” Fangyun protested with me, her voice louder and harsher than I had ever heard. Raised to act like a lady even in the tensest of situations, this might be the closest my sister had ever gotten to losing her temper.

“What about your heart, husband?” Mother whispered. “You can’t fight. You can barely chase Fei around the yard without collapsing.”

“Even if I can’t fight, I still have to go. An emperor’s wish is the law.”

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard,I wanted to snap at Father. An emperor was still a man. And he had no right to steal my father from his life and family and home like this.

Mother lowered her gaze so we couldn’t see the disappointment pooling around her eyes, and how her thinning lips quivered. There was more she wanted to say, but she knew Father better than anyone, knew how stubborn he was. Once he’d made his mind up, there was no way to convince him otherwise. Something my father and I had in common.

“All of this is my fault,” I murmured.

Mother’s hand touched mine. “Don’t say that, Fei.”

Father’s lips shuddered into a scowl. “Stop with that nonsense, Fei’er.”

“If I hadn’t asked the emperor to annul my betrothal, you’d be the father of the crown princess by now. No one would ask you to enlist for this stupid war.”

“We left Yong’An not because of you, Fei’er.We left because that life wasn’t meant for us, and we were destined not to keep it.” Mother’s eyes were so kind when they gazed at me that I might have believed her if I did not remember her cries on the day we left. Her sobs haunted me, until this very day.

“If I’d just accepted my fate, done what was expected of me, we—”

“Do you know why I named you Fei?” Father’s question reeled my thoughts to a halt.

“Because it’s…pretty?”

“No. The emperor wanted the empress of all empresses to have an extraordinary name, with an extraordinary meaning. So?is what I came up with. A word that meansnot,a word that defies every word that comes before it.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “You are everything I had hoped you would be and more. What you did that day atthe imperial hunt is proof of that. Going against tradition, seizing control of your destiny instead of letting it rule you. How can I hate you for being so brave? I’d rather have a daughter who is brave than someone who is beautiful yet cowardly.Always.”

“Am I brave, or just reckless?”

Father took my hands and Fangyun’s. “My greatest pride in life has never been status or wealth, or even my scholarly knowledge. My greatest pride lies in the daughters who will outlive me. Fangyun, Fei, as long as the two of you are alive, safe, and happy, I have nothing to lose and nothing to mourn. Do you understand, girls?”

He pulled the two of us and Mother into his arms.

“I will fight in this war. Not because the emperor asked me to, but because I want to protect those I love the most: the three of you. Whether I live or die on that battlefield, it will be worth it. As long as the three of you can live peaceful, happy lives after the war.”

“Baba…”I cried. I had watched my father die enough times in my nightmares to know that I would move heaven and earth to keep him safe, even if it was just one more day. “Please, Father. Don’t go.”

“I have to, my love. I have to.”

26

A blade, whetted and sharp, safe in its sheath. The conscription letter at his bedside. A bag of fresh clothes and dried meats, packed next to his thick winter coat. Father was set to leave for the army in the morning. Originally, he’d planned to leave earlier because the camp was far away, so the journey would be arduous for his legs. But Mother had begged him to stay longer so that we could have one last New Year as a family.

At midnight, I would turn nineteen. A year ago, the emperor had suggested that Siwang and I get married on our nineteenth birthday.