Page 36

The outer courtyard was quieter now. They had finished loading the carts.

It was time to leave.

“I’ve made my decision and paid the price. I’m not going to go back on everything over an empty promise. If you want to win my heart, then let mechooseto marry you. I want to be your equal, Siwang. And if I’m never given the power to choose, we’ll never be equals.”

His eyes turned hard at this. “Some things are more beautiful in theory than they are in real life. And sometimes, we get what we want just to discover that it is not what we imagined. What if by pushing me away, you are willingly giving up the love you are looking for?”

“I don’t want my last memory of you to be an argument, Siwang.”

His eyes shifted, blinking something away. “Remember to keep your identity a secret and your phoenix’s mark covered. My father will not stop his campaigns to conquer more lands in your name. News of your departure will not leave these walls. Even if people ask, we will deny it.”

“In the end, the prophecy is the only thing that cannot be sacrificed.” I forced a smile. “Why don’t you tell the world that I am sick, and after a year or so, announce that the empress of all empresses hasdied?”

Siwang’s eyes went wide. “Why? Are you unwell? Is there something you are keeping from me? Are you—”

“I think it is best that we erase the prophecy from the world. I fear that it will one day put a target on Rong’s back.”

He laughed. “Rong can handle anyone who wishes to attack us.”

Not everyone. Not forever.Sooner or later, Rong would fall like every empire that had come before.

I hoped that by leaving, I was doing enough. I had not slept well in the days since leaving the palace. If there were nightmares, I didn’t remember them.

A good omen, perhaps.

Silence fell over us. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say goodbye, it seemed.

Siwang still wasn’t looking at me. Something glistened in his eyes, something I was pretending not to see.

He didn’t want me to see him cry, either, which gave me the perfect opportunity to take him in for the last time. Against the snow-lit glow, I realized just how much I hated him.

I hated how beautiful he was.

I hated how his words had the power to make my heart sing no matter how much I wished otherwise.

I hated the way he smiled at me, as if I were the only person in this world.

I hated the way he looked at me. As if he loved me.

Most of all, I hated how much I wanted to cry at this moment.How fears welled behind my eyes, urging me to stop, to give in and lean in and kiss him and let go of all my foolish and stubborn wants.

I wanted a life of freedom. I wanted to stop the wars and for those I loved to live long lives despite my nightmares telling me otherwise.

But I also wanted Siwang.

I couldn’t have everything.

I closed my eyes, willed the tears not to fall. “I’m sorry,” I whispered before I did something I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

This was my last day in the city. This could very well be the last time I ever saw Siwang.

I wanted this moment, just once. Even if I would regret it afterward.

I inched forward on my tiptoes and gently pressed my lips against Siwang’s. Just a second. Just a taste. Just so I knew how it felt. Just so I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life wonderingwhat if.

“Goodbye, my prince.”

15